Paradoxico

Where is he?

2011-05-14T01:04:00.001+08:00

The whole question hinges on this one axiom of truth- I want to continue waiting.

In My Old Shoes

2011-01-20T22:39:00.002+08:00

Why does it seem as if new friends won't stick, and nobody seems to fill that yearning in my heart for something deeper, clearer and warmer? If this urge wasn't meant to be fulfilled, why was I created with it? I should just pray, right? And believe that one day God will make everything better, all in good time.

I can only imagine

2010-11-21T00:27:00.002+08:00

This is a song that I've been captured by recently.

Recent thoughts and circumstances have brought me to a harsh realisation that I'm living this life in preparation for an eternal dwelling in Heaven, and that Earth is just a momentary resting place. Handicapped as I might be now, I must fix my eyes not upon my own weak hands, but God's mighty hands. I should listen not to my own frail voice, but to God's voice at which Creation shakes. I must learn to obey Him, because He is the one who matters the most to me and cannot compare to anybody else.

I can only imagine, on that day when I finally see God face to face, will time freeze or explode? As my spirit reaches out to the Master Potter, the One who moulded my spirit with His, will I laugh and rejoice or cry at the beauty of it? Will I be shouting praises or be speechless in His full glory?

Until that glorious day comes, I can only imagine what it'll be like to be the full man that I can be. Held back by nobody, and with only Him to adore.

Sometimes it seems that the road is just too rough

2010-11-02T23:44:00.004+08:00

I am sick and tired of trying so hard to matter. After doing so much and putting in everything I've got I'd like to be appreciated for something, thank you. Sometimes I'd like to know that someone other than God cares about me, and that somewhere out there in this infinite universe there exists a person who will say "yes Benson, I do care about you, and thank you so much" and make me feel loved just for once, that I'm not just a guy you say hello to when you walk past in school, but someone that you'd cry for if I died in an accident or something. I want to mean something to someone, darn it.

I know You love me so much that You counted the hairs on my head, You know the palms of my hand better than I do and You know the grand scheme of things You've lined out for me. Thank You for caring even when nobody else might, because I know that when it cuts deep into me, I can count on You. Words and men may have failed me, for both cannot fully convey the wrenching of my heart, but I know that You've got the love I need to see me through.

2010-10-24T22:14:00.002+08:00

Benson, your worth and your eternal standing is in God. Who cares what the rest of the world thinks if what God thinks of you is the only thing that matters?

And God truly loves you. What more could you possibly ask for?

Here take my Kleenex, wipe that lipstick away

2010-09-14T19:36:00.003+08:00

Hey,
you don't need make-up to impress me,
because you're really pretty without all that blusher.
It all just gets in the way of
your nice skin.
I would love to hug you,
because you don't need to put on your strong front
when you're with me. I like it when you
lean your head on my chest because I can
feel your heart beating against mine, and I can
stroke my hand through your hair and
wrap my arms around you to keep
the cold the crows the pain
away from you.
I can keep you
warm, and never let you
shiver ever again, because
I'd do that for you.
Let me see your brown
syrup eyes, because I thihk you look
stunning.

I might not be perfect, but I'd like to
hold your heart in my hands.

I'd love to.

GREATER, STRONGER, HIGHER

2010-09-11T23:27:00.004+08:00

OUR GOD IS GREATER
OUR GOD IS STRONGER
GOD, YOU'RE HIGHER THAN ANY OTHER

AND IF OUR GOD IS FOR US
THEN WHO COULD EVER STOP US?
AND IF OUR GOD IS WITH US
THEN WHAT COULD STAND AGAINST?

I don't think I use Christianity as a means of escaping from my problems. Instead, I think I am given strength to fight through Christ who sustains me. Just like Jesus. When He died, He didn't decide to go back to Heaven and hide from man. Instead, He did what took so much more courage, strength, and faith- He decided to come back to life.

So, as conquerors, co-heirs, servants, disciples and friends with Christ, what do we do when life threatens to kill us?

We continue marching on.

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good- His love endures forever.

Lessons I Learn from my Toes

2010-09-10T20:31:00.000+08:00

Well, I kinda thought that maybe Facebook would be a better blogging platform than Blogger, since everyone depends on FB to survive anyway?

Well anyway, just as I was leaving my house on Wednesday morning, I was putting on my new pair of high-ankle Converse sneakers that my parents had bought for me from Vietnam. Yes, they are genuine. And well, they aren't new per se, but they're new to my feet. For some reason I only put them on a few months after my mum bought them for me. And guess what? I spent a good few minutes sitting on the step of the main door labouring over my shoes, trying to squeeze my feet into them. It made my feet terribly uncomfortable. My toes were cramped, and my feet were pressed in at the sides and pinched vertically. But they feel alright now, after wearing them they kinda grew to accomodate my feet. So all is well, and I now have one more pair of shoes.

And as I walked around Bugis, my feet felt cramped and unhappy. Well, of course they were- they were packed like unlucky sardines in a tin can full of tomato sauce. And for the record, I never liked eating sardines, so yeah. I was wondering what it'd be like if I could walk barefoot, but being the occasional klutz I was really afraid I'd stub my toe on something sharp. So I spent the whole day with crammed and angry toes that really wanted to be somewhere airy and cool, instead of the warm and depressing interior of a Converse sneaker.

And as I reached home, I sat myself down on the step of my front door to undo my laces, and as I yanked my shoe off my left foot, I felt relief flood from my heel to the sides of my feet to my toe, as the cool night air tickled my sole through my socks. The same feeling of release was very enjoyable for my right foot as well. Indulging myself in the simple pleasure of being well-dressed and barefoot, I just sat there for a while, admiring my delighted toes and my Converses .

All this struck a chord within my spirit- bizarre as it may be, my toes reminded me of my walk with God.

While I might feel pressured and trapped between walls that are too tight for me, unable to breathe and unable to wiggle about, God doesn't want me to come out from inside my shoes because I still have a journey to walk. I still have a distance to travel, and it'd be okay because He'd be walking with me all the way, just like how I guide my toes through the deep and treacherous paths of Iluma and Bugis Junction. My toes have no reason to worry, because I'm making sure that they don't get hurt.

And eventually, when my appointed journey is up, I'll undo my laces and pull out my aching feet- aching, but unharmed. Unharmed, but toughened up and ready to face even more (and wear even more shoes, which necessarily entails a shopping trip to obtain more shoes!), and ready to love the air- because it's only after you've been through so much pushing and crushing that you know the pleasure of just being. God isn't in the business of giving you the easy way out of everything, but in the business of making you stronger. Why couldn't my toes have been free at the Iluma Coffee Bean? Because it wasn't their time yet. My plan for them had not yet come to pass. Similarly, God's plan has not yet come to pass for me, but I rest knowing that He has a time for me when I'll be taken out from my shoe and allowed to breathe freely again. Just like how I know my toes ache, He knows you hurt too. And do I like it when my toes hurt? No. He knows a lot about you, and just like how I know my toes better than they know themselves (it is disturbing to imagine that I have sentient toes!), He knows you so much better than you probably do, and He really does care for you, so much more than I can ever love my feet.

So in all things, know that God has planned a journey for you to walk, and that He is always there. Just like how I know my toes, and won't push them beyond what they can possibly take, God won't push you beyond what you cannot take, because He knows you inside out and He knows you more than anyone else. He knows what you want, and He knows how He'll bring you to it. You can walk with Him too.

You can be happy.

I will seek You in the morning
And I will learn to walk in Your ways
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days

- Like Incense/ Sometimes By Step \\ Brooke Ligertwood with Hillsong Live

Sometimes the sky was so far away

2010-09-05T23:49:00.003+08:00

I purchased Hillsong Live's latest album, "A Beautiful Exchange", about a week ago after my Pee Double-Eww group's interview with SOTA's wonderful Dr Yap Meen Sheng. One of the tracks to first capture my attention was Brooke Fraser-Ligertwood's "Like Incense/ Sometimes By Step". As usual, Brooke has written an amazing worship anthem that will no doubt work its way into worship song history. It puts on no pretensions, communicating a simple and intense desire to sing praises unto God. Yep, amazing.

Ever since I first heard "Like Incense", I've found its lyrics to be meaningful. As usual, Brooke didn't fail to tug at my heartstrings with this piece. But today we sang this song as the opening song for service, and through this I think God has reinforced the meaning of the lyrics- By my own, I cannot. But God honours those who honour Him. But, by my own, I cannot go far. I need Him to live out a life that honours Him, so that every single word I utter will be glorifying and honouring unto Him, so that very thought and image in my mind will be like fragrant incense rising up onto Him. It's all for Him, and I will ever praise Him and only Him.

I think I left service feeling refreshed, empowered and ready to face the world, because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Like I prayed for Joseph, "O Levels are nothing, because God is so much greater than them and through Him you can do ALL things." Yep, even though God promises to walk with us every step of the way, we need to do our part in the fight too. It's 100 Man, 100 God, so be sure God's with you all the way!

I will seek You in the morning
And I will look to walk in Your ways
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days

Once you find your centre

2010-09-04T00:16:00.002+08:00

I think I've been disoriented for a while now. Like I've been led to realise recently, I've let some emotions remain suppressed within me, giving them space to breed, mutate and fester. But this cannot persist, because giving this disease the allowance to remain living behind sealed doors will eventually eat away the pillars that keep my mind upright. My mission now- to burn down this disease with God's fire and set new roots again. I know I can do it, through Christ who strengthens me!

Then, I will use the rest of the holy flames to set my heart alight again, which will fuel my drive to study well for Promos, improve my own skills, exercise, build my friendships, strengthen ties with my brothers, and learn to love.

Yep. That's what I'll do. Once I find my centre, once I put my toes back onto the narrow path, and once I pick my cross up again.

2010-09-01T02:03:00.005+08:00

I cannot say how disappointed I am, but I don't know with who, or what. Maybe I expected too much, and because I pump everything that's inside my heart into the people that I care for I expect everyone else to do the same, when that's just not the way the rest of the world appears to operate, because maybe I'm just too kind and trusting for my own good. Maybe I'm too idealistic, but I really do think some friendships are worth the amount of soul I put in. And when I care for someone, I really do care a lot. But maybe this is just my gap in my head, that I fail to see that I've been moulding myself into the exact image of what I've been trying to run away from, and driving people away from me just like how I run from my own problems, or maybe I'm really unhappy because I expected so much more, because I always make sure I'm available for my friends when they're troubled so I expect the same but I seem to have maxed out. Maybe I just expect too much from humans who are just as finite in capacity and strength as me. I know God still listens to me, still loves me, but at the same time, man wasn't made to live in solitude. I'm very very afraid that I destroyed this friendship that I poured everything into because I really thought it was worth it, it was one that I could rely on and cherish. At the end of the day, maybe I'll be the only one standing because of the work of my own hands, because I was too hopeful, too naive to believe that everyone thinks like I do. I.. really need to stop running away. God please bring me back to You, because I know that when humanity gives way, You won't. (Hebrews 13:5-6) “… God has said, ‘Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.’ So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?’” Thank You that even in the face of all this nonsense, you are still larger than every problem and every stronghold.

EDIT: Now that I'm more sober in the morning, I realise humanity hasn't failed. I realised that I owe so much to you for making me realise that I've been wallowing in misery for far too long. And hell yeah, a true friend's one who stabs you in the chest instead of your back. Thanks for daring to push the truth in, friend. Here's to getting over it. (:

Sometimes by step

2010-08-28T00:32:00.002+08:00

Well, I think that in every circumstance, there is something to thank God for. Even though the sky is falling down, even though the dark sea water is eating me up, even though the silence is too loud, even though the darkness is too bright, even though the fire is too cold, even though laughter is too sad, even though stars turn to black holes, even though the earth cracks open and swallows the skyscrapers, even though glass turns to stone, even though electricity tries to strangle me, even though walls threaten to close in on me, even though air begins to suffocate me, even though heat freezes my breath, God is still good, and step by step He'll lead me, and I will follow Him all of my days. Even through these days, I will. God is a God who gives and takes away, but yet His name is blessed, and will continue to be, even though gravity is letting me go. I know nothing is too great for His hand to move, not even these stones and these hard places. Nothing is too small for Him to hold back, not even these fleeting glimpses of flames. Nothing gets past Him, and even though death looms ahead, I still believe in He who calms the seas, stills the waters, and parts the oceans, God who is forever exalted. Amen.

A Realisation

2010-08-19T23:12:00.002+08:00

I was curled up in bed yesterday afternoon thinking about recent events, feeling moody and under the weather, when I had this epiphany- isn't God working in my life? Tracing back all the steps I took, I realised I had been walking further and further away from Him, and what happened served to humble me, break my pride and tear down the thought that I could rely on my own strength to get me through the day. And like His Word says, God disciplines those He loves. Even though I'm broken and wounded, it's all because the Lord loves me, and I will live by His promise that He will bind up my wounds and set me free. Benson, you're a son of He who spoke the world into existence, He who controls time and space, and He whose love endures forever! Get over it. Get over that too. And that. You need to decide who you love more. I need to decide who I love more. Yes, I do. I was made to love only one, and I need to make that decision, now, even if it tears my heart apart to do so. What will happen next? I don't know. But I know I'll make the right choice.

I need to realise that I'm destined for a holiday by the seaside. What's frolicking in the mud making dirt pies compared to that?

Take my shoulder back now

2010-08-16T22:03:00.003+08:00

Well, if true friends stab you in the chest, I must say I have true friends.

I have blisters on my big toes from Captain's Ball on Friday (and more importantly due to the fact that I was wearing snugly fit Converse sneakers!). The left one's burst while the right one's still intact. I have this patch of eczema on my right ankle that will go away only if I apply the cream, but I don't because I like the way it hurts when I scratch it.

I need to control my hands. The nails on my right fingers aren't cut, whereas the nails on my left fingers are really badly cut. I have rather nice forearms that I really should exercise more.

I can lend you my shoulders, and I'll try to sustain your heavy head full of thoughts and desires.

I have thick lips. I think I have a mellow and deep voice, but I need to tame my diction, breathe properly, say righteous things, sing, laugh, and smile (sincerely) more. I must use my teeth and tongue to lift up, not smash down.

My eyes aren't that large, but I think I can use them to look a lot.

Look again, for I am wonderfully made.

Something about lonely nights and my lipstick on your face

2010-08-14T14:32:00.003+08:00

I must say, I seem to have picked myself up again. Even though I still stumble sometimes, I've got myself back into the flow of things. Which is good. Even in the little things, God is faithful, and He'll come through. Sometimes I think I'm shallow, unpopular, and that I have too little friends, or that I'm not significant enough, before I remember that God, not man, is the One I live to please. I'm secure in Him, the Eternal Rock, and I ought to embrace my identity as His son. Of course, being His son means that every other Christian is my fellow brother in Christ, and the glory of the Lord rests in their hearts too, and I ought to love them because the Lord loves them too. Well, I need to work on that, and I know God will help me overcome all my strongholds, even the stronger ones, because God is stronger.

This time, I'm not leavin' without You.

Shout unto God with a voice of praise

2010-08-05T22:55:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, I had one of the worst going-home experiences ever! After an embarrassing Physics test (I was staying up damn late to do PW the previous night and hence didn't study for the test at all, which was otherwise extremely easy and definitely A-able) an a Players Swensen's outing (that cheered me up a lot), I felt fatigue pour over me in towering waves that swept all over my insides. In fact, I was so sleepy that I fell asleep while standing up. Craving a little bit of proper sleep before I got off my stop, I settled down into a seat and drifted off into sleep almost immediately. (And I somehow managed to sleep even though Lady Gaga was blasting in my headphones as well!)

Who knew, while I was asleep, the train missed my stop, went all the way to Joo Koon, and then went back in reverse! I woke up two stops before my actual stop to discover two huge patches of drool on my shirt, and then got off the train because I thought I was in the wrong direction. After the train towards Joo Koon came, I almost boarded it before I realised that I had waited on the platform for the wrong train! So, feeling terribly disgruntled and angry with myself, I got on the correct train this time, and reached home forty-five minutes later than expected.

This got me feeling very moody and unhappy at night. What am I doing to myself? What have I been doing, that I'm feeling so tired, falling asleep all over the place, and lagging behind in my studies? Why am I not sleeping enough? Why am I not studying enough, practising stuff sufficiently? SPA is coming soon, and I still can't score full marks for my practicals. I have monstrous piles of papers on my desk too, which I haven't bothered to arrange at all. Why am I falling prey to inaction, yet all I do is complain about how life has been treating me badly when it's really I who have been leading my path of existence off its intended course? Don't I deserve what I'm getting?

Of course, the IP kids might think that being a JAE student, I have a secret reserve of super-effective mystical mugging magic powers that I can summon with the flicker of a thought, and pull myself up to top form within two days. Unfortunately, while that statement does contain some element of truth, I think there's only that much that I can achieve with my own magical powers. I'm afraid I've fallen in too deep, and only God can pull me out of this. Of course, this isn't a bad thing at all, because I am confident that He can deliver me from what I've thrown myself into. While this doesn't mean that I'm entitled to sin freely and foolishly hope that He'll pick me up each time, it does mean that He'll be there to heal my wounds each time I fall and bruise my knees. But God isn't a God who controls our actions with remote controls, so He'll only pull me up if I decide to get up first. It's a fully man, fully God thing here, man.

I've always believed that if we fix our minds upon Jesus, everything else will naturally fall into their rightful places. I don't see why my present predicament should prevent me from continuing to do so.

Good music late at night, great way to close the day

2010-08-03T23:53:00.002+08:00

I aim to write this post in four minutes, so I might not make too much sense.

In the past two days, I have felt so happy that I have made a difference in the lives of so many people. I might not have left a gargantuan footprint, but I did leave something behind in the hearts of quite a lot of people. I realised that I've made a lot of people smile in the past seventeen years. I've also been through a lot more than what people my age would go through, and I thank God for having chosen me to be the special one who'll bear this cross, so that one day I might tell the world that He has been good to me. Even though I face so much rubbish everyday, He has been faithful to me, and He has definitely blessed me with abundant joy and hope that far outweighs all the pain and suffering.

I think the best gift I've received is His promise, that one day, I'll see Him face to face, and nothing will ever separate us again.

How can anyone say that I have not been blessed, when I am surrounded by friends who care for me, listen to me and rough it out with me? How can any man say that I have not been blessed, when I have tasted the sweetness of God's love? How can any person say that I am not blessed, when it has been shown obviously through my friends, family and God that I am indeed special, important and wanted?

I think I had a great day.

Drama occurs not just on stage

2010-08-01T23:28:00.003+08:00

I like to believe that drama teaches a man a way to live. Not just as an imaginary character on stage, but as a person in the real world as well. Drama shows a man the way to walk, and opens up his mind to many beautiful things.

I was reading A Practical Handbook For The Actor on the train today, and I came across this refreshing chunk of words in one of the last sections:

"Though confict is the essence of drama, it is the bane of productivity; therefore, keep the following virtues ever before you:

(1) humility, so that when someone corrects you, you will not be offended;
(2) generosity, so that when someone errs, you do not condemn, but forgive;
(3) consideration, so that when someone believes something, you do not denounce his belief;
(4) tact, so that when you believe something, you know the proper place, manner, and time to present that belief.

Practice these virtues, and you will rise above petty disturbances and another's opinion will not outrage you."

We should all do drama at least once in our lives.

I don't think I can do this by myself

2010-07-31T14:24:00.009+08:00

My mum just came in to wish me an early happy birthday. She bought me a handsome clay display crucifix that has John 3:16 inscribed on it: "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son..."

I've been thinking about it for a while.

Yesterday morning, I was sitting with Zac outside the General Office, discussing what it means to be like Jesus. We agreed on the idea that man is innately deceitful, shallow and filthy- consequentially, man cannot walk towards being hopeful and forgiving without first being washed clean by a God who is innately truthful, deep and pure. But even then, our sinful flesh struggles against our renewed spirits, and we still have to continue on in the fight to be a living testimony of Christ's work in us. God didn't promise us that the battle will vanish instantly- in fact, when we decide to walk it out for Him, that's when the pain kicks into our hearts.

What God promised us was that He'd be there in every step of the pain.

All this is true and good in theory, but in real life, how does one really live out a life for God?

I was very concerned yesterday, when I told Zac that I think I'm a terrible testimony and a disgustingly hypocritical person. While I've been saved by a God who hasn't been judgemental, and in fact shifted His wrath onto His Son just so that I needn't feel the full extent of His anger, I've been everything that He hasn't been unto me. All the while, I've been telling God that I'd change, I won't do it again, that I won't go down the same path again, but I inadvertently find myself falling back down into the deep dark watering hole, from which the dark things drink. It seems that I've been taking my salvation for granted.

Crawling out from within the watering hole is not an easy endeavour. As you use your fingers to grab on to the rough, cracked stone walls of the circular hole, the rugged rock hurts your fingers. Determined to get out, you painfully dig your nails into the stone, crying out as your nails crack and pain stabs like knives into the tender flesh below. Your arms swell with exhaustion, your shoulders and sides threaten to rip, and your legs are dying from the coldness of the water. Maybe it'd be better to just stay in the dark hole.

And here is where theory comes into practice- God didn't promise that the journey would be painless, but He promised that He'd be there every step of the journey. Man cannot crawl out of sin until he first acknowledges that he cannot do it without God. In himself, he is powerless to escape from pain and suffering, and he'd suffer trying to deal with his own logic, his own plans, his own glory and ambition. In himself, he cannot do any more than lock his problems up into a tiny black box in his brain, and pretend that all is right and well. All he can do is pretend that the sun is still shining, and hide inside his bathtub and smile in denial as the thunder blasts on outside his whitewashed walls.

It's in God, that I can find the strength and faith to come face to face with my own suffering, and realise that I've never been alone. It's only in Jesus that I can find the ability to love like He does, forgive like He does, and live like He does. And while I've strayed from Him and fallen into the watering hole, I know that He'll give me the strength to clench my teeth through the gut-wrecking pain that it takes to pull myself out from the sinking depths.

I might think I'm happy waddling in my little puddle of muddy water, until I look at God and realise that He offers me a holiday at the clean, clear and beautiful seaside.

Dare I dip my feet into the water?

2010-07-25T23:53:00.005+08:00

I sit at the side of the circular pool. The pool is handsomely crafted, set in smooth grey stone that is cleanly separated from the grass around it. The water within the pool is clear, and pleasantly warm. Not lukewarm, and just a little bit too warm. Just enough to keep your skin alive, your blood flowing. I climbed out of the pool yesterday, and I miss it already. The warmth of the lazily bubbling pool invites me to crawl across the crisp green grass and slither back into its depths. I dream of resting my arms on the edge of the pool, resting my head backwards, and stretching my legs outwards. In my mind, I see my toes pointing away from my body as I wriggle them like a child who smiles endearingly after sinking his teeth into a chewy and rich fudge brownie. I taste the creamy, powdery sweet chocolate on my tongue. I lick my lips and close my eyes, indulging in the pleasure of the moment. Nothing else in the world matters, just me and the garden that I secretly hide behind my eyes.

A crow caws, I forcefully shut my eyes for a split second, and I jerk out of my reverie. I fall back onto the grass, feeling dewdrops kiss my back. I recall the time I spent in the pool, and I let out a primal cry in a moment of raw animal instinct. I feel heat pierce through my body, and in that moment I am so much more alive than I ever was. The smell of the grass, the humidity of the warm saturated air, the gentle brightness of the early morning sun. A scape of colours and sounds explodes in my heart, storming me with its unbridled intensity as the moment eats me, feeling totally alive and totally dead.

And in my little dream-world, I plunge into the pool, and my breath runs dry. No more air, but the water keeps me warm, just warm enough to jolt my flesh back into life. I am so happy I could die.

Going back

2010-07-25T01:59:00.001+08:00

I crawled out, only to jump back in again.

Repeat. Stop. Jerk. Repeat.

Well, I feel so different now.

2010-07-21T22:47:00.003+08:00

I feel like something's shifted inside me, I don't know why.
Meeting Zac for quiet time in the morning has kept me on track.
I don't think I'm a hopeless wreck any more.
I know something has moved inside my heart, and I also know that I don't know what it feels like.
I know what I don't know.
Is it pain? Is it warm and pleasurable? Or just the feeling that something's missing?
I take the bus to and back from school now.
Like Weiqiang said, bus rides are therapeutic.
Things seem so peaceful around me now. For now.
Nowadays, I am in a highly creative mood most of the time.
I'm getting over you, but I can't help but smile a lot when my mind wanders off.
I am spending a lot of money on food.
I'm feeling a lot more driven to study harder, so I won't let anyone down again.
My road appears to have cleared up significantly.
I am doing my best to remain faithful, and not to fall off the narrow pavement.
I need to sink back into reading soon.
My bag is too heavy.
Where are you?
Everyday, I sing a new song.
I don't need to see it to believe it.

Ouch.
Hooray.
Splat.

Back to reality, Benson. It's time to go to sleep (literally).

Nothing can ever separate us now

2010-07-18T21:59:00.003+08:00

Today's sermon spoke to me a lot. Pastor Khong was preaching on people backsliding from the faith, and his assertion was that people backslide not due to a sudden shift in character, but due to a slow step day by day. A slow step each day, a centimetre away from the light. After a while, you're out of the door and standing in the rain without even knowing it.

I guess I'm someone who fits that bill. I've been shutting off a lot within my heart, and not allowing myself to feel pain, not to be affected by it. All the pain that I've been holding up within myself prevented me from moving. Slowly, bit by bit, it ate me up inside. It just kept me stuck on the road, unable to move.

And today, when Pastor Khong gave the invitation for people to turn back to God and repent, I went forward. And I guess I haven't had a good cry in a while.

Today, while kneeling at the front, I had an encounter with God I haven't had in a long time. And when His Spirit pours out on you, He really pours out mightily. Today, God helped me get past all the pain I've been hiding from people, and He helped me release it all unto Him. His presence and light was so strong in my spirit, and in that magic moment I was completely overwhelmed. I had no choice but to let His glory tear away the walls that I had built up, so that He can break me down inside and build me up again. Man, did that moment of truth hurt, but it felt so good to finally let it all loose after keeping it a secret for so long. God also spoke to me this afternoon, that throughout all the pains and hurts I go through, I just need to fix my eyes upon Him and be obedient to Him, and He will make a way out because He is not an unjust God. He is here, and He sees all, hears all, knows all, and loves us all.

I guess today brought the lyrics of "You'll Come" to life for me.

"I have decided, I have resolved/ To wait upon You, Lord/ My Rock and Redeemer/ Shield and Reward/ I'll wait upon You, Lord

As surely as the sun will rise, You'll come to us, certain as Your word endures"

So, yep. Surely as the sun will rise, God will come for me, and bring victory riding on a fiery cloud of glory.

And, throughout all this, where'd I be without my buddies who always listen to me and respond to all my angsty SMSes?

I think you guys are amazing, Dinghao and Zach. :D

Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed

2010-07-14T23:19:00.003+08:00

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

And in all things, what God has called me into, He will lead me through. Just like how God used David to kill Goliath the giant with just a sling and a stone, with my voice and the still small voice of Jesus, we will conquer the world.

I see where you're going, but this is not the way

2010-07-13T22:58:00.002+08:00

It's time for me to blog about my journey into devised drama..!

I entered TSD with huge, airy ideals about theatre and drama. I thought, like many other idealistic individuals, that TSD would effortlessly propel me into the highest levels of artistic creativity. I thought that being a TSD student would automatically convey upon me a new sense of class and being. Wow, for a while, I just relished the fact that I'm taking TSD because it made me feel special!

(This blog entry isn't one that's easy to write, by the way. It's something deeply personal and raw.)

My journey into devised drama has been something that has challenged all my beliefs about the subject, and my belief in myself and God as well.

When I first told Mr Lyon that I wanted to do dramatic sequence for my indivs, he told me something that hurt for quite a good deal of time. He told me that my speech patterns (which really isn't as eloquent as my typing would make you think it is) got in the way of my acting ability. And when he said that, I just felt my heart calcify and drop into my stomach- I've always secretly known that my speech patterns were, to put it bluntly, weird. And I've always tried to slow down (trust me, I was so much worse in my early years), but to hear from Mr Lyon that my speech was less than satisfactory really hit where it hurt because it carried along with it the implications that my future in theatre wasn't as bright as I dreamt it to be.

I guess my adventure into musical theatre was really a detour off my ideal path- I chose musical theatre out of desperation because there was nothing left I could do within such a short period of time. When I first chose to do it, I faced so much doubt from the people around me, so much more than I've ever encountered when I made any other decision in my life. Everyone was trying to hint to me that they didn't think I could sing well enough to pull off a musical. I considered pulling out so many times because I just felt so utterly inadequate. It took me a lot of friends to put me together, so thanks, buddies. If not for you..

Along the way, I also wondered why God made me this way. Like I said, everything a man is given has a purpose. So, if my heart burns for performance and I know I enjoy being on stage, it must have a purpose- so why did God give me a heart for the stage but yet handicap me with my speech? I also began to doubt why I even chose to study TSD in the first place- was I being ambitious, idealistic, foolish? Am I really just someone meant for the backstage? All in all, I felt like an idiot, a fool fighting a battle with a million soldiers to one lone man. It was a fight that had my self-esteem as its only stake. And did that fight hurt.

And when I walked into the TSD room for my indiv.. whoo boy. I was so unhappy with myself I couldn't do anything but scream / cry when I exited the room. Needless to say, my performance was nothing short of a disaster. I just seemed to prove everyone correct- I can't sing, can't act. I felt so worthless, and for that moment I simply hated myself for it. My emotions got the better of me, and I couldn't think coherently for the rest of the day. Yes, it was that bad.

Again, it took me many many friends to get me back on my feet.

But, despite all this, am I giving up on myself? Am I resigning myself to fate, accepting my voice for what it is, and not do anything?

Fuck, no. I'm not letting go of myself. My friends never did, and Jesus never let go of me too. I'll find a way, I know I will.

Here's to hanging on.

That hole in my heart

2010-07-11T21:33:00.002+08:00

I've always felt that there was a question in the core of my soul that needed an answer. But I never knew the answer- I never even knew what the question really was. Sometimes I think it's "what's my purpose?", or "why is this the life I lead?", or "why is the sky blue and the ground brown?", but heck, I don't know what that question really is. I just know that it's hurting me, it needs an answer, and it needs an answer soon.

And so many times, I've tried to answer that unknown question. I've pushed myself to achieve so many things that I might find myself worthy of existing because of what I've achieved- maybe if I fought my way into RI, fought my way to the top of my CCA hierachy, aced my dramatic sequence, I'd find the answer to my question and it'd stop tugging at my spirit! Maybe if I gave myself a goal in life, I'd find the answer- yes, maybe all I need is a goal!

But, after so many attempts at satisfying my own desires, I found out that the answer's not that.

Or, maybe the answer's in a relationship! Maybe if I found a girlfriend I'd fill that hole, that great chasm, and I'd feel whole again! So I looked at girls, and I found myself falling head over heels for some really special girls. But still, girls didn't seem to be the answer.

Where, then, should I go from here?

I was born with a mind so that I can think and feel, a mouth so that I ca speak, ears so that I can hear, a sex drive so that I can reproduce. Everything I was given has a purpose it can fulfill.

How, then, can I be born with an unknowable, eternal hole in my heart if nothing can fill it?

These aren't the abstract, philosophical thoughts of a man who has his head in the clouds. These are the painful questions of every man, every working adult who lives his day in a cubicle, every pop star who rides the waves of material satisfaction. This is the question that we're too ashamed to ask, let alone demand for an answer.

We can see it through

2010-07-10T01:17:00.002+08:00

To all the guys who helped me get over it- thanks, guys. :D

That Perfect Partition

2010-07-07T23:30:00.002+08:00

Even though these aren't my TSD As, I feel so happy and proud of all my amazing TSD seniors, who're finally finishing up what they've been fighting for for the past year or so. All the nerves, all the anticipation, excitement, and most importantly, the thrill of being on stage, is what gives us life. This is the allure of the theatre- it makes us feel alive.

Cat, Claire, Gayle, Nick and ZR, I think you're all great. Even though it wasn't my show per se, I can say that I've enjoyed every moment that I've had on the set as a demented Herman fan. I love the memorable lines we've exchanged (Put on your clothes, Sasha!) and the insanely hilarious flaming lesbian / sparkling gays bitchfights. All in all, I think it's been a great experience. Now, on to my own A levels!

Being on the WWW set has reminded me of why I took TSD, and why I love the theatre. It makes me feel truly alive in every sense of the word.

Jiennee and Rei-En tell me that my blog is "so emo!", but I must insist that I do not strive to emo-fy my audience. Despite my cheery exterior, I am ultimately human, with the emotional range that humans have. Hence, sad mopey posts appear.

But, I like to imagine that despite the tsunamis of despair, hope still shines through it all. I might not see where all this will lead me, but what is hope if you can see it? Now, faith is being sure of what we cannot see!

I am

2010-07-03T00:34:00.003+08:00

A marionette on a string
Dangling from the ceiling
Perfectly made
Ink black eyes
Smooth dark wood
Painted red smile
A blood red smile
An unfeeling unmoving smile

The play shocks me
The actors writhe
The spotlights flicker and die
Violence splits
Hands shake
The curtain tears
An imperfect rupture in the velvet
Cruelty strikes
The strings tremble
My strings tremble
The strings drop
Drop
Drop
Crash
The dust dances
I kiss the dark wood floor
My glassy eyes shatter
But I smile
A perfect painted blood red smile

I convulse
I stand up on my little feet
Wobble
Fall
Repeat
I hold my strings in my wooden hands
Hard wood hands
Hard cold wood hands
My broken eyes see
The theatre dark as ink
Torn curtains at my feet
A deserted theatre
An uprooted tree
An uprooted cold wood tree
Red leaves
Blood red leaves
Hungry worms
Hungry writhing blood worms
Smooth
Convulsing
Sharp
Fear flares across my wood skin
But still I smile
Perfect red smile

You come along
Burn away the writhing worms
No more dirty ugly worms
Red fire
A warm red fire
New pretty clothes
You repaint my body
New covers for my eyes

You say
We will stage a play
We will do it together
I will hold you
My hands will guide yours
Feel my pulse through the strings
Feel my heart beating through the cords
My blood
staining your wood darker brown
Warm life blood
You say
I am
Who I am

And as we stand on the stage
The lights come on
The show commences once again
Your hands move
My hands move
And I smile
My perfect red happy blood smile.

Time to Get Going.

2010-06-28T23:15:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow's my first Common Test paper of Term Three. Right now, I'm sitting on my mattress with my comforter snugly tucking my crossed legs in, balancing my laptop on my legs and typing in the dark while sipping Ribena (that's slowly turning warm despite the aircon). Bran's sleeping on his bed, and I'm listening to Casting Crowns with my headphones.

Thoughts before the first day of school:

I think I've been very inactive during the June holidays, and I keep using Facades as an excuse. At first, I thought I really deserved to rest after the terribly hectic one-month prep period before Facades, but after a while I just began sinking into being lazy and inactive. I didn't do much during the holidays, and I can say that I just kept procrastinating all the things that I'm supposed to do. So, from a materialistic point of view, no, not productive.

But on an emotional level, I think I've gained a lot. I got to spend some valuable time with people that I care and love. In this month-long respite from school I got to escape into little pockets of time away from reality, away from time and life, and just forget for that instant that I have responsibilities, hopes and fears.

Speaking of Drama, Term 3 is quite overloaded with it. Helping out with WWW, TSD Groups, Players J1 Production. And for a personal milestone, I have TSD Indivs on Friday, during which I will be doing something I never expected I'd ever do- musical theatre. While the devising process has been incredibly demanding on me, I've had some of my most delicate, vulnerable, and probably liberating moments while I was writing my piece. I can say that devising this piece of theatre has led me to confront some of the monsters I've been running from for quite a while. While little monsters have been peeking at me from under my bed and inside my wardrobe, I've always pretended they didn't exist. But I think devising my piece has given me courage to chase them all out of my mind. After many hours spent on Skype with Cat, I've figured that TSD really isn't about that A. I might be idealistic, but just as how Claire advised me once, excelling isn't about doing well in that subject, but being passionate and putting your soul into it. That's what it's about. Yeah.

Nope, little monsters beneath my bed, you've failed to make me feel inadequate, choked, jealous, useless, unloved, unwanted, or worthless. I am too fabulous for that. When I pull the covers over my head, I won't see you in the darkness anymore, because the light within the walls of my mind is too bright for that.

Hello, world. I'm back.

A Spoonful Of Sugar Makes The Medicine Go Down

2010-06-25T00:22:00.003+08:00

I have been insanely working on my dramatic sequence for the past two days, and to be very honest, I think I'm paving a pathway to destruction for myself. I have not been so stressed ever since I first started JC. Maybe you should try writing a musical in three days, you'd understand how I feel.

Not including perfecting it to performance standard, and rehearsing with Ben Goh, who's accompanying me on guitar. (But thanks so much for agreeing to help me bro. Really, I couldn't say more!)

Really, I should have seen Mr Lyon earlier so I'd know that I'd have to scrape my entire devised piece. It's definitely not Mr Lyon's fault, but mine, for being so last-minute about everything, thinking I'll be able to get away with it just as I've been getting away with last-minute things for the past few years. I'm just very unhappy now that I'm not going to be able to put on a great show, just like I hoped I would. If only I had seen him earlier. If only I'd attended singing lessons.

I love singing. In fact, I like to think I can sing quite well. But in the past few days I've received so many comments about how I can't sing well enough to carry off a musical. Or maybe it's my self-doubt, my fear of failure, that interprets every slight twitching of an eyebrow and every raise of a lip as a gesture of disbelief and disapproving. Maybe it's just me, afraid I'll walk onto the floor, sing my first line and realise that my voice can't stand on its own. Maybe I just don't like being told I can't sing well.

Sometimes, I wish I took Econs.

To quote Cat, my singing guru, "where is the fire I built my dream on?"

In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun! You find the fun, and the job's a game!

You're Letting It Kill You!

2010-06-21T23:38:00.003+08:00

(Title ripped off one of the lines in my Dramatic Sequence, which I will blog in detail about below)

I am a member of a rare breed of humans who just don't seem to be able to put on weight. And I use this to my advantage.

Today has been a day packed with gastronomical orgasms. Let's look back to this morning- there was a Players exco meeting at 11am, and I was set to wake up at 9. But, as usual, I lazed around in bed trying to catch another 4 seconds of sleep because I have no self-control at all. I FINALLY got out of bed at 9.30ish, and I went, "Oh shit I don't have enough time to run down to Koi Cafe before the meeting!" (See, I am on a mission to sample the wares of every bubble tea stall around the world. I remember once having a cup of Koi bubble tea (YES ONLY ONE, HOW SAD!) and so on Sunday night I Googled up the locations of all Koi Cafe outlets. And I found that ZOMG- There is one behind the Bishan Library! :D) After rushing to get ready to go to school Steffi smsed to say that meeting was pushed back till 12, which meant I had time to pay a visit to the Holy Land of Koi Cafe!

I reached Bishan at 11.25 and I scoured the place until I finally found KOI CAFE ZOMG :D There was almost no queue at all, and I purchased a cup of Hazelnut Milk Tea at $2.90, which is admittedly steep but I must assert that it is worth that price! In fact I love it so much I'm going back to school tomorrow to attempt-to-study just so I can buy another cup of tea. So, back to Koi- the wait was short, and the service good as well. The straws are also individually packaged- nice! I feel more secure this way!

The tea was amazing. Smooth, creamy, silky- great texture, although the taste of the hazelnut syrup was covered up by the more overpowering sugar and milk. The hints of hazelnut was, admittedly, not sufficient for it to be passed off as being hazelnut-flavoured, and would not have been noticed unless the consumer was actively looking out for a nutty edge to the tea. The pearls were amazing! They were extremely chewy and kept my teeth occupied for a very long time. They're definitely freshly cooked- I saw the workers churning out batches of pearls non-stop. All in all, Koi is GREAT! I am now a Koi convert. Goodbye, Sweet Talk.

Initially, I settled down at 7pm to begin rehearsing for my TSD Indiv, which might I add is a TOTAL DISASTER. I have this huge problem with movement that I definitely need Mr Lyon to help me on. Whenever I perform that bit I get this terrible green feeling in my gut that tells me to stop acting, and I'll stop and huff and puff in self-rage. Unfortunately, my Dramatic Sequence involves acting and music sequencing, which means I MUST have my laptop on to blast my music from. Which leads to.. Major distraction!

After bitching to almost everyone on my MSN contact list about what a bad time I'm having for indivs (and hence procrastinating my rehearsing), I decided to fill my growling, tumultuous stomach. So, I decided to heat up the remains of tonight's curry chicken dinner. The curry my mum makes is fantastic- the aromatic gravy is fiery orange with only a bit of red oil floating over the top. The coconut cream and spices interplay to create this piquant mix of awesomeness, which has a good balance of the umami chicken flavour and spiciness. The meat is tender and smooth, and I literally sucked it off the warm bones. Messy eating, but so satisfying, especially after a bad rehearsal.

And what's curry without four slices of toasted wholemeal bread, heated to crispiness!

And warm milk with sugar, and garnished with Koko Krunch bits!

What a delightful day.

(I have forgotten about my Indivs, haven't I!)

I knew I was right about it all along.

2010-06-19T00:34:00.003+08:00

When I first came to RI, I was very confident of making new buddies who would light up every day of my life, regardless of how dark the skies might be.

And, guess what- I've been right all along.

High five, brother.

EDIT/ADD-ON:

I feel at ease now. For the past month or so, my mind's been heavily swollen. But in the comfort of air-con, closed doors, a guitar and a few good songs, and most importantly of all, a good friend, I took my mind out, scrubbed it clean, and placed it back.

When I was in Sec One, the troubles of puberty and life transitions pushed me into an emo phase, in which I discovered- and loved- My Chemical Romance. Unfortunately, Chemistry at H2 level has taught me that there is no such thing as a chemical romance because chemistry is innately hideous to behold. I walked away from it all, thinking that emo music spreads a gospel of wallowing in self-pity. But, I learnt to play Welcome To The Black Parade today. I realised that they really proclaim a message of liberation, and hope for happier days.

"We'll carry on
We'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We'll carry on
And though your broken and defeated
Your weary widow marches on

Do or die
You’ll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Go and try; you’ll never break me
We want it all, we want to play this part
I won’t explain, or say I’m sorry
I’m unashamed, I’m gonna show my scar
Give a cheer, for all the broken
Listen here, because it’s who we are
I'm just a man; I'm not a hero
Just a boy, who had to sing this song
I'm just a man; I'm not a hero
We'll carry on!"

So let go, hold on, kiss your scars, mend your smile, and we'll carry on.

Nothing can ever separate us

2010-06-15T01:23:00.002+08:00

Nothing can come between us, nothing can separate us now!

This week promises to be a good week to me. Studying with Dinghao today was productive- I covered around two Physics topics! And lunch was really really good too; Swensen's has a great 1-for-1 lunch deal, which makes for a super good meal when combined with my multiple Cool Rewards cards. >:D Also, I have a definitely-gonna-be-fabulous birthday dinner date on Wednesday, and a 4E5 class outing on Saturday. To top it all off, I'm somewhat come to terms with studying- the A Levels are not the end of my life! I'm going to enjoy my holidays, while working hard to reap good results as well. Yep, yep. There really is time for both work and play, I guess (?). If it worked for Os, it SHOULD work for As, riiight?

I really abhor moping around and indulging in self-pity while looking around with round, wet eyes and speaking in purposely hushed, semi-creaky tones designed to induce pity in listeners, wearing ugly black emo tees, and belting emotional tear-jerker songs to flaunt pain and sadness like a badge on your heart. Why not just walk away empowered?

"So come on, courage, teach me to be shy,"

To show, not tell

2010-06-14T00:13:00.002+08:00

My job is not to tell you, but to show you what happens if you believe.

Church today was really inspiring and motivating- I believe that I can be a positive influence to those around me! I shall live believing that I can bring a ray of light into the lives of people around me! :D And I also visited Esplanade Library for the very first time. I am in awe of the wealth of aesthetic resources they have there! While I was studying, I realised that I was sitting beside a desk of RI students, whom I identified because we had identical chem notes, both of which read "Raffles Institution Year 5 H2 Chemistry"! It was supremely awkward, because we both knew we were all Rafflesians but nobody decided to acknowledge the connection.

(And partly because one of the girls suddenly leaned over the table to speak in incredibly hushed tones! That definitely means they're gossiping/ discussing their startling revelation!)

Then, it was gawking at the Esplanade Library with Russell (both of us are new to the marvels held within the Library's hallowed halls), before borrowing a few books and heading to Burger King for dinner! Then, it was EMILY OF EMERALD HILL! Emily was a fantastic, fantastic monodrama. Margaret Chan, who played the titular character, was a compelling actress who built a strong and intimate connection with the audience within the first few minutes of her performance. Her moving performance definitely deserved the standing ovation, and put The Little Nyonya to shame!

Now, after a weekend of decadence, it's time to move back to reality.

With all fears cast aside

2010-06-12T23:16:00.002+08:00

I just came back from a victorious shopping trip in Johor Bahru, with two tees, jeans and shoes. Yet another day of not-studying, well-spent with a lot of eating and laughing with my sister, mum and nephew. The seafood at the roadside hawker centres is worth the smoky atmosphere that makes it seem as if you're dining in a car park. I still remember the tender stingray and piquant sambal that it was soaked in. (:

And, it was a very boomz trip as well- the grammar on a lot of the signs in Malaysia gave me a lot to chuckle about.

To think that yesterday night, I was so worried about our trip that I kept asking my mum if bringing Anson would be a safe thing to do, seeing as how he might get kidnapped in the semi-rundown, dingy mall playgrounds, or if we get mugged by roadside bandits. I definitely worry too much.

Church tomorrow, then Emily of Emerald Hill! I wonder when I'll begin studying.

I put my two feet down

2010-06-11T14:10:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was really good. Pool at very decent prices (and for once, we played a decent game!), Swensen's 2-for-1 Lunch Special, $1 chendol, and Jelly Belly jellybeans! I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

I am totally unmotivated to study. It's like I lost the part of my mind that empowers me with strength to move mountains of revision notes after O Levels. On the other hand, all my other friends seem ever-ready to hit the books. Maybe this disease of laziness is really just a 'me' thing. All the 'revision' I've done so far consists merely of feeble attempts to study, without the drive that I once had. I really don't think I can study alone. I'd be too unmotivated.

I think the Alejandro video is masterfully executed, very well done. I think the choreography is the best I've ever seen from the woman. However, I do think the video is morally wrong. And what the hell is that creepy ending for!

Receipts are, as Shimin wisely puts it, the bane of my existence.

I need to visit the gym more often.

And, thank the heavens, TSD Indivs have been pushed back till Term 3 Week 2!

I really should be studying. -.-

Where The Dark Things Go To Drink

2010-06-10T01:59:00.003+08:00

When Kaiqin bought me Shadow Man by Cody McFadyen for my fourteenth birthday, I was convinced that McFadyen is a fantastic writer. Today, after finishing The Face Of Death, the sequel to Shadow Man, I think he's gifted.

Today, I consider myself to have started studying (for real). Before this, all "studying" has consisted of feeble, weak-willed attempts to absorb information while worshipping my computer. From today onwards, it's study, study, study! And, also, rehearsing for TSD Indivs, which I found out to my horror during the (OMG AWESUMZ) class gathering that it was on the last Friday of the holidays, NOT the first Friday of Term 3!

Let me summarise my thoughts towards the education system, and systems in general, with a wise quote from my Indiv script.

"Mrs Low always tells me to remember my decimal places and errors. I guess I’ll remember that this time. I’ve always asked her, why five significant figures? Why not six, or two? Her only answer was: the syllabus says so. Great answer. Maybe life is like math- nobody ever questions the laws. Everyone just obeys them because they’re the laws. That’s why we all have to study math. Nobody knows why they’re correct, so everyone immediately assumes that they’re correct."

Sometimes, I think I need to remember that TSD is, all in all, just another H2, just another A-Level subject. Just like, sigh. Math.

Moving on to sunnier topics- I've discovered the fantabulous invention that is Webcam! I decided to explore my new laptop's capabilities this evening and I found that, surprise surprise, my baby is capable of recording videos! Don't you see the possibilities?

And, tomorrow is a day out with Dennis, Joel and Shaun, the Boy who Changed Church. We're still in contact, which is a fantastic thing because one should always have as many friends as he can. And, of course, you need to try your best to keep the awesome ones. I try my best to be a great friend, partly because I reckon I'm naturally inclined towards showing concern for the people that surround me. Secondly, I do so because I think everyone deserves to have a good friend, someone to talk to when they feel sad, someone to laugh with.

The night is a good time to muse upon life as we, mere mortals, know it. Especially when you have a new laptop that sits comfortably upon your room desk. :D

This love has taken its toll on me

2010-06-07T20:32:00.002+08:00

The only thing that keeps replaying in my head is Saturday, Saturday, Saturday.

I remember it all- the laughter, the awkward lunch, the Godot moment in Starbucks where someone would utter "let's go" but nobody would move, the pool, the piano, the pool table, the karaoke room, air hockey, the aesthetically-pleasing fruit platter, Dinghao's room, Mr Bean, playing guitar under the afternoon sun on the poolside garden, dipping our feet into the warm pool, playing guitar under the night sky, trying to look for non-existent stars, the agitated neighbour, the pretty dinner candles, the debate on existence, Hotel California, prawns, wonderland. The weather was peachy too. Everything was in favour of us having a great, tame, enjoyable Saturday.

One of the things I've found JC life to lack was time to just love my friends. RI offers a lot of chances for socialising on a wide scale, but I don't think that's the way the strongest friendships are forged. I think OGs are too big, everyday class activities just too hard to get stuff done. What occurred on Saturday was just magic. Eight people and a nice house, making magic, love, friends. I don't think I've ever felt so delighted in 2010- wait, in fact, I've NEVER had such an enjoyable outing!

Some things in life touch your heart in the simplest ways, no fuss and no pretence. Just warm bubbly fun. Saturday felt like a holiday from reality, the stress, and everything that lurks outside our little spot of land. It made me feel.. free.

Thank you, time, for giving me the chance to love my friends after so long. It's something you've owed me ever since 2010 started. Thank you for finally allowing me to enjoy my friends.

Empty-handed but alive in Your hands

2010-06-06T22:10:00.003+08:00

I am happily typing this post on my new laptop! It's a sleek aluminium-cased number that Dad bought for me while we were at the Best Denki in Vivocity today. I am finally liberated from the cluttered laptop that I share with the rest of my family! :D Even though all my programs and files are on that computer, and moving virtual homes is a terrible headache in reality, I still look forward to having my own virtual home for my mind to live in.

With regards to recent rantings, I think it's time to make the choice to get out of the cold water. You won't be able to feel the blood flow in your veins until you get out of the numbing pond. And, I won't be able to feel my heart pound until I decide to come back to the surface to breathe.

The air rips tiny tears in my lungs, stunning me with its dryness. I take small breaths at first, eventually daring to inhale deeper, drawing more air into my lungs, remembering how to breathe. My throat crackles as tiny pinpricks make their way down it, reminding me that I still need to live.

As I push myself out of the water, I remember the sky, and the grass that tickles the soles of my feet.

Maybe, when I learn to swim, I'll come back to this pool to test it out once again.

Maybe, I will learn how to feel again.

And I know that it's complicated,

2010-06-06T00:05:00.003+08:00

So baby, let's raise a glass to mend all the broken hearts of all our wrecked-up friends!

I was trying to sleep, when it suddenly hit me right in the face. I was compelled to get up of bed to type this because I need an outlet to express myself immediately. A balloon that needs to burst just needs to burst! I'd call up some of my friends if it was earlier, but at such a timing I'd just rather come online.

I don't need to look back into the past. I don't need to look back at you. I don't really need you, even though I now think my heart can't beat on without you. I tried to sleep tonight, but I thought of you. A bitter ache swelled up below my heart, like an iron-clad punch right into my chest. I thought I'd see your face only when I closed my eyes, but my sickness has become so severe that I see your face in my head all the time. With my mind clouded over with heat, I feel terribly sick, sinking in the intensity of my feelings mixed with thoughts of you. What we'd be like ten years down the road, what it'd be like if we never met, what it'd be like if I never left. I'm getting hopelessly lost in my own fantasies and the craziest thing that keeps showing up in all of them is the one thing that I know will never happen- holding hands. And after all the drinks and bars that we've been through, would I give it all up, would you give it all up for you?

I desperately need You, I need to hold on to You. Don't let me go. Teach me to fix my eyes upon You. I tried to sleep tonight, but I thought of her, then I thought of You. Please, please be here for me. I don't want to go on like this for the rest of my nights. I know that in all things, You are still the eternal, the unchangeable, the same now and forever. Amidst all this human craziness, You're the One who'll anchor me onto firm ground with Your love. Please, God, don't go. I know it'll hurt with or without You, but You ensure me that I won't have to walk the journey alone.

I know this is a journey every man must make. Now, I'm stepping out of the past, and into the future.

I just need to make it alive out of the present.

I don't dare to crawl back underneath my blanket, because it means I'll wander back to you.

Everything could be everything, but baby, it's the last show. Everything could be everything, but it's time to say goodbye, so get your last fix, and your last hit, grab your old, go with the new trix. So honey, yeah, it's no surprise that I got lost in your brown eyes.

Where is it all now?

2010-06-01T00:10:00.002+08:00

I feel like the stage's been plunged into inky darkness. The curtain's always been opened. Suddenly, the spotlights fall on me, cutting me off from the rest of the stage like a frog placed upon a rack for dissection. This is my world, my stage, and I'm the only actor standing here. You are my audience, and this is my monologue.

All my buddies are somewhere else now. WeiQiang, my good friend ever since Primary Four, is at CCAL Camp right now. Ding Hao and Rovik, whom I proudly consider to be the pals I'm closest to in school right now, are at CCAL Camp and Pre-U Sem now. Joel and Solomon, my fellow brothers-in-Christ, are now somewhere else, being ravaged by the horrors that are Biomedical Science and JJC. (I just finished a delicious MSN conversation with Joel which I thoroughly relished, but that's beside the point.) At this point in time, I'm all by my lonesome, sitting in the still quiet night in front of my computer and listening to Ocean Eyes and O by Damien Rice.

This makes for very good time to think.

Like I mentioned before in one of my earlier posts, I've always been some sort of a high achiever. I've defied a lot of norms that I've come up against, with entering RI together with WeiQiang and showing that Fuhuanites are nothing but typical NSKs being our latest exploit. Behind us, we've left a rather glamorous trail of achievements as well- our batch of ELDDS members was the fiery and passionate one. And it was our class, our 4E5, that simply exploded with outstanding O Level results. Yeah, it's really been a breezy ride.

Strangely, I now feel like I'm not achieving enough. Firstly, it's been a curious reversal of roles- while I was the ELDDS Chairperson and WQ was the Debate Head in 2009 (which is, I must add, a most curious addition to the non-existent ELDDS Exco since NOBODY EVER TOLD ME THAT WQ HAD THAT POST UNTIL WE GRADUATED D:), WeiQiang has finally made it to the top of the pyramid as the Chairperson of Community Advocates. For this, I'm truly happy for him- but it feels so weird for me! I guess I'm just not used to not being at the top of the hierarchy for once.

Same goes for my 6M homies, with Ding Hao as the shooting captain and Mansi as the street dance chairperson. I really am very happy for all of them for having achieved so much, especially for Ding Hao and WQ since they've finally made it there after so many years of being in the lower ranks of the system. But as for myself, it just doesn't feel right- what about me? I do admit that I'm very pleased for making it into the R-Players Exco, seeing as how I managed to get in despite having joined Players almost a month later. I really must say, I AM confident that Steffi and Josiah will lead us into a fantastic year ahead, and that my current aim is to serve my fellow R-Players to the best of my ability. But, back to the point- bizarrely, it just doesn't feel right for me. Might I be, dare I even say, jealous?

And for all my non-CCAL friends. Most of them have accomplished quite a lot. Rovik has this barrel full of commitments such as his myriad of Gavel competitions and Pre-U Sem. Ben Low and KahJin bagged a Summa Cum Laude from Belgium. Richard's going for CAP! Too bad for me, having been stuck in Singapore for the past half-year doing nothing! I don't seem to be achieving enough.

Where is it all now?

I'd made up my mind last year when I told Mrs Lauw that I'll be taking a year's break from violin to concentrate on my Os, that I'd definitely come back after the Os are over. But it's been five months! I've not found it within me to go back to her for lessons. I feel like the essence of me is dripping out from between my clasped hands. Whenever people in FCBC recognize me from Youthnet's Got Talent! and go "Oh Hi Benson! Are you still doing your violin now?" I cringe inside and think, "yes, that was me last time. It's just me now." In fact, I picked up my violin a few days ago and was appalled at how stiff and unyielding my fingers have become. My feeble vibrato just causes my sound to quiver, instead of producing the warmth it once used to.

When I first discovered in Sec Three that an A-Level subject called Theatre Studies and Drama existed, I set my mind on studying that subject. In fact, one of the primary reasons for my desperate DSA attempts into VJC, ACJC and RI in Sec Four was due to my fear of being unable to study TSD. But now that I'm spending half my JC life in the TSD Room doing up sets and other theatrical endeavours, I don't feel as satisfied as I once thought I'd be. In fact, I now feel loose and insecure. Worst of all, I question myself as to why I even took TSD in the first place- I'm not that fantastic an actor! Whatever shall I do for the 60% practical component of my grade? I cannot deny that I am interested in theatre and drama, but I cannot justify that interest equates to ability. Where is it all now? Where am I going from here?

Hi. I'm Benson, and I scored 2 points for O-Levels, and I'm currently in RI. Life is going.. quite well.

In All Things

2010-05-31T01:23:00.002+08:00

In all things, Praise The Lord- for He endures forever!

Even if life sucks, Praise The Lord- for He is good, and His love endures forever!

In all things, Praise The Lord, for He is Love, and He lives in me!

Forevermore, Praise The Lord, for you are the object of His Everlasting Love!

Always and always, Praise The Lord, for nothing, no angel or demon, no height or depth, will ever tear Him away from you!

"Today, I learned that my ten-year-old brother has cancer.

After crying for a while, he looked at me, and said, "Why are you crying? It's just another test from God. And we will surely pass with flying colors."

My little brother's optimism GMH."

On a side note, read GivesMeHope! It shows how much love exists in the world. It really made my day. (:

Baby, you called?

2010-05-29T00:25:00.002+08:00

Hello hello, baby you called? I can't hear a thing.
I have got no service in the club, you see. You see?
What, what, oh? Did you say, oh?
You're breaking up on me.
Sorry I cannot hear you,
I miss you so badly.

Stop calling, stop calling!
I don't want to think anymore!
I got my head and my heart on the dance floor.
Stop calling, stop calling!
I don't want to talk anymore!
I got my head and my heart on the dance floor.

It's not that I don't like you, I'm just trying to pass the time.
Going through my closet, finding clothes that poets rhyme.
Maybe I'll just take the train to Marble Arch,
and then I just won't get off and oh, I'll keep myself moving.
Keep myself moving.

Stop calling, stop calling!
I don't want to think anymore!
I got my head and my heart on the dance floor.
Stop calling, stop calling!
I don't want to talk anymore!
I got my head and my heart on the dance floor.

Floating like a cannonball

2010-05-27T22:14:00.002+08:00

I have spent five months in Raffles. What a blast.

I shall keep this post short, instead of launching into an all-too-expected "oh-my-gosh-time-is-passing-too-quickly-and-I-am-so-amazed-at-how-much-things-have-changed-and-I-am-feeling-disoriented-like-a-butterfly-in-the-wind-and-oh-GOD-I'm-really-amazed-at-what-has-happened-to-my-life" essay. Hence, the above paragraph shall sum it all up nicely for me.

Morning train rides to school with WeiQiang, assembly in the sweltering sun, squeezing through the impossible crowds to get to class, attempting to pay attention during lectures, balancing on one foot during GP lessons, surviving Project Work, dying during PE, trying to comprehend Godot's perpetual absence during TSD, working out during R-Players set sessions, SYF, Facades. Man, this semester has been a blast.

Players are interesting people. We're like carbon dioxide bubbles in Coke, living only for the day when someone pulls the can open. Till then, we shake ourselves up, becoming as energetic as we possibly can. And when that sacred time comes- when the first pinpricks of light pierce into the can, we rush upwards, creating a beautiful explosion.

After that, we just lie around beautifully spilt.

And while I've been agitating my can of Coke in preparation for our huge explosion, I sometimes felt like slamming the Coke can down in frustration and fatigue. But, I have amazing friends that won't allow me to give up so easily. R-Players, you are the most driven people I've ever worked with. I can't possibly name you all because that means I'll have to copy and paste the entire name-list here. But in any case, you guys have pushed me on to finish the Facade race, and thanks a lot for that. Our Coke explosion was delicious.

And to the fabulous guys who have walked this far with me, like Ding Hao, Rovik and Zach, you're all awesome too. You make me remember that life is not just about the race, but about enjoying the scenery along the way. (Once again, not everyone is listed because it means copying-and-pasting-insane-amounts-of-text!)

Turns out I don't regret coming to RI after all.

We've no time for later now

2010-05-21T23:45:00.002+08:00

It took me quite a bit of courage to decide to retake my NAPFA Test today. As the guys I hang out with would know, I am a very unusual man. I have almost no difficulty scoring an A for pull-ups in NAPFA. But, unlike most other guys, I have immense difficulty doing my sit-ups, and every year, I struggle to hit even the base requirements for sit-ups. In fact, it's been the only thing keeping me back from attaining Silver and beyond. All the while, my sit-ups have thrown my entire NAPFA pass into jeopardy- and I guess, all this while, I've been very lucky.

But this year, my luck finally took a spin off the track. It's been coming all this while, actually. This year, my sit-ups caused me to fail my entire NAPFA.

It took a while for this failure to sink in. All my life, I've been used to flying amidst the clouds. In fact, throughout my entire secondary school life, my level ranking has never ever dipped below 20 (with it being double-digit only once throughout my entire Fuhua life). This failure took quite a while to sink in. I was no longer the guy with the untarnished golden record. There was a huge, ugly blemish on my golden plate, because I couldn't do what every other guy could do. Am I less of a man? Am I worthless, now that I can't even do 31 sit-ups to pass?

I didn't admit defeat. I refused to accept that I couldn't do sit-ups. I knew I could.

When a warrior runs out alone, he has to enter unknown territory, dark forests, misty plains, places where he'll feel insecure, frightened, pain, despair, death. So what does this lone warrior do? Rush in head-first?

I chose to come back with a band of brothers.

As I stood in the queue during the NAPFA retest, I felt my soul cringe inside as the time came for me to lie on the mattress. As WeiQiang leaned forwards onto my feet to anchor me to the ground, accusing thoughts found their way into me again- Fail! Fail! Fail!

As I ran my 2.4km, the pain in my abs melted through my core and left me unable to continue running for quite a few stretches. Fail! Fail! Fail! I breathed through my mouth, and I felt my dry throat crackle as pricks of pain sparked throughout it every time I swallowed. The unforgiving sun didn't make my run any more comfortable. My legs were dying, my abs were dying. Fail! Fail! Fail!

I've always felt that exercise is a polar experience- running a race makes a man feel both truly alive, and truly like dying. Today, as I began to steep in all my insecurities and fears while walking on the red track, holding my arms akimbo to support my ripped-apart sides, I felt like calling it quits. I'd just fail, like I did before. Just fall apart, and fail.

But then, I remembered my band of brothers who'd given me advice, support, love.

I could not disappoint these fantastic friends.

"God, give me strength. I'll run till I've finished the race."

I sprinted till the end. It was the worst 2.4km I've ever ran- 14 minutes, but I completed it.

And, I passed my NAPFA.

Cannonball

2010-05-19T23:22:00.003+08:00

Music has this ability to let a guy feel like he's never felt before.
Music can tear a guy's heart apart, leaving him hurt and beautifully broken, with a sweet ache in his chest.
Music throws a guy into an altered state where sight, thoughts and sound blend into prickles and swirls of light.
Music allows a guy to feel his heart beating, feel his soul flickering in the wind, feel his own existence, without having to think.

Music is something worth studying and analyzing, granted. But the danger is, in the minds of many today, we over-intellectualize, risking the danger of stripping off the essence of music.

Thinking might be overrated.

I'm halfway gone

2010-05-07T23:28:00.002+08:00

Here I lie, curled up underneath the blankets, warm but not really warm.

From my dimly-lit corner, I hear him proclaim the goodness of It. Through the scarlet haze, I see his silhouette standing outside my window, pumping his fist in the air while waving It at me. Can It restore what I've lost, or never had?

He knocks.

Through the window, I see him die a bit inside as he realizes that I'm not going to get out of bed. He stands there, rooted to the ground- does he not see that I don't need It? I am self-sufficient, all that I need. I am flawed, imperfect- but that's all I need, no?

Rain patters lightly on the ground, as the cloudless iron-grey sky gazes mournfully down at him, as once again, he kills himself a little bit more by knocking on my door again.

I gingerly clasp my heart in my hands, careful not to drop it again, and go back to sleep.

The silence whispering "all hope is lost"

2010-05-02T15:36:00.002+08:00

Here I stand, knocking on your door, holding It in my hands.

It is the cure to cancer, the sunshine after a cloudy storm, the joy in a laugh. It promises to fill your stomach, heal your warts, clear up your wrecked-up brain. I hold It out to you.

I knock.

Through the window, I see you cover your ears and sink back into the dizzying music, cover your eyes and sink back into the bed, seal up your heart and go back to sleep. As the wind sweeps across my hair, I feel disheartened because you refuse to get up, get moving, get a life.

The leaves rustle along the sidewalk. My heart wrenches as, once again, I knock on your door, holding It in my hands.

It's enough for this wide-eyed wonderer

2010-05-01T20:19:00.002+08:00

I woke up at 12.44PM today, after watching Macbeth with Raffles Players yesterday night at the Raffles Hotel. Weiqing watched it on Thursday, and we both agree that it was just terrible. We have uncannily similar tastes in theatrical styles- as such, we both only like the physical pieces performed by the Weird Sisters! The sex scene was just absurd and unnecessary- it left me convulsing in my seat while screaming and not knowing whether to cover my eyes or mouth because of the weird gushing sounds I was making while bobbing up and down on my seat. I could not have been more traumatized than I was yesterday night.

Frankly speaking, I love Raffles Players. It's not a politically-correct answer; it's an answer I've longed to be able to utter for a very long time. In Fuhua Drama, I've felt both love and hate for our CCA. Love, because of the spirit and passion that our core members had. Hate, because we were so small and bounded by our school's short-sightedness. I've always longed to be a part of a drama club that would offer opportunities, hope, love. And RP is such a drama society. In the short time that I've spent in Players, I feel valued, important, a member of the Players family. I'm very very happy to be a Player.

I will not let you guys down, my dear fellow Players.

I randomly decided to visit the Fuhua Prefects blog just now. I feel so happy to see that my juniors are coping well. I'm so happy that just like I did, they are enjoying the time they spend as prefects. I'm so glad that just like how my batch realised that Prefects isn't about power, but leading through serving, they're learning to embrace this philosophy too. I think my fellow batch of prefects are all immensely proud of the Fuhua Prefects that we taught and nurtured, because the seeds we've planted into their hearts are finally beginning to sprout.

You guys didn't let me down, my dear fellow Prefects.

The joy of a senior-junior relationship arises because of a common flame that burns in both hearts. The same flame that burns in the heart of the senior is passed on into the heart of the junior, so that after one is gone, the other may continue the fight, run the face, and pass it on again.

The flame that lives in me lives in you too.

Oh, what a wonderful day.

Busy busy week!

2010-04-24T23:56:00.002+08:00

It's a busy and tiring week. The Players Set Design committee has been meeting up every single day to slog over our sets. We speculate that we'll be done by Tuesday- which means that we'll have completed our set for Stuck In The Middle in a week! All the painting, sawing and running around Singapore for supplies has taken a lot out of me, but I'm thankful for every moment of it- I've got to work with so many awesome people! Bonding with these amazing, passionate people gives me all the more reason to thank God for giving me the chance to join Players. Just sitting together at the end of every session, looking at our finished products, gives us so much satisfaction. (And- we definitely HAVE to take a thousand and one pictures with these fantastic props! Let's not waste the chance! Boomz!)

This week, I got to interact more deeply with some of my classmates. Every Monday afternoon, Zachary and I have lunch just by ourselves (because the Econs and Art people have different breaks as compared to us TSD kids, and Delia doesn't eat lunch o__O) and I realized how much chatting with him has made me reflect upon the way I live my life. He's someone I'm able to warm up to and trust, and definitely lives up to Joshua Ong's description of him as an intellectual guy. I sometimes wonder how he manages to find it within himself to encourage others out of the goodness of his heart- most of the time, I don't extend help to people unless they want to help themselves. Sometimes I feel like a selfish guy, because sometimes I just don't want to care. I find it amazing how some people are able to care.

I've changed so much ever since I started schooling where I currently am. I used to be- no, I AM a violinist. I used to be so thankful for my musical talents. However, recently, I sometimes forget that I can play the violin. I sometimes think of people who play the violin, and instead of thinking, "Oh! I can play that too!" I go "Oh- those were the days." I'm losing grip on a part of me that I used to define myself by. I've been playing violin for thirteen years now, and even though I'm not fantastic by the world's standards, it's been a part of my life that moulded me into the person that I am today. And I'm losing grip on it.

This is not good at all. I need to touch up soon. I need to pray that I'll find who I am again.

Just as how Ding Hao, one of the best friends I've made in school so far, muses about the way we lose more of our identity the more we try to define ourselves, I muse as well. As we try to conform to the patterns of this world, by achieving more As and doing more CIP and whatnot, we lose what we hold dear to our souls. Before my O-Level year, I simply adored playing the violin. I made the decision to let go of violin temporarily to concentrate on excelling for O Levels, and I thank God for letting me achieve great results- but I found that after I entered JC I began to lose my love for the violin. I still enjoy good music, no doubt- but my first love for violin began to bury itself under layers of sand and silt. As of yet, I've not touched it in two months or so.

I really want to pick it up again. I need to pick it up again, to feel the sound resonate underneath my chin as my bow strokes its strings. The wood of my violin's neck feels so foreign to my fingertips now, and it tires me to even play a simple piece. She was once who I expressed myself through- she was not so much a possession, but a part of me. It's terrible how someone I was once so close to now feels so distant from me.

Thanks, dudes, for showing me so much. And thanks for being there.

I've always been intending to come back!

2010-04-14T21:31:00.002+08:00

I've always been intending to post, you know. I just couldn't think of anything to write about! And we ALL know how meaningless it is to post on an empty mind.

Life in school has been a blast so far. 11S06M is a great class! The friends I've made have definitely made my days in school a lot more meaningful and exciting. Teachers are really interesting, too. Mr Tham, in particular, seems a lot like Mr Yeo from Fuhua, except he's humorous instead of being naturally comedic. Mr Lyon is the most impressive teacher I've met so far in school! TSD is officially the craziest subject in existence (because it's the only subject you can do retarded stuff in and actually get marks for it!). The TSD room almost feels like a home. It's a place where you can really get to dream, imagine, and believe.

Speaking of TSD, I'm really excited about the things which we'll be doing in future. I'm in the same group as awesome people- Benjamin Goh, Boon Yi, Izabel and Richard! It's amazing how ideas can germinate, sprout and overgrow when we circulate them and allow our artistic souls to take over! Our project sounds incredibly exciting now, and I just cannot wait to get started. I feel so boomz!

And while we're on the subject of theatre, let's talk about Raffles Players! (Btw nowadays I introduce myself to people as "Hi I'm Benson, I'm from Raffles JC and I'm a player!" Reactions are generally highly amusing!) I really thank God for allowing me to hop over to Players from Chamber. I just had to leave Chamber- I can't catch up for nuts, and one session was enough to make me feel highly demoralised and want to weep silently in a corner. Thinking back to last year, I am SO HAPPY I didn't make it into VJC / RI via Strings Ensemble! I'd definitely have died if that happened. Thank God for having planned out every step of my life!

Okay, I digress. Back to Players. (x I think that the people in Players are really friendly and great to be with- I see a lot of potential for another family-out-of-family to grow here, I definitely do. Despite joining Players extremely late into the term, I'm beginning to feel really attached to the CCA, and I'm really happy to tell people that I'm a Player.

The thing is.. Just as I told some of my closer friends recently, being in RI has been a walk in inadequacy for me. Ever since I came into RI, I was prepared to have to fight really hard for everything, but this is just crazy. I knew I was stepping into a place where I'm no longer top dog. And I guess, I'm not anymore! First was Chamber, which was a terribly humbling experience for me. Then, even though I'm now in my most comfortable arena- Raffles Players, I'm still lagging behind for everything. I didn't make it into either Stuck In The Middle or The Bald Soprano. I know (and I REALLY DO) that every backstage personnel plays an incredibly crucial part to the production, but it just sucks to know that I got rejected twice.

(Dear fellow Players who got into either play- please don't take offense at this! I'm really happy that you got in! I just wish I did as well. :/ )

But just as how I recently came to terms with the fact that this is going to continue happening for the rest of my time here, I've decided to take a new stance to things- absolutely no regrets. Whatever happens, I'll not look back at my JAE form and wonder about why I didn't put ACJC as my first choice. I know that God put me into RI for a reason, and I know I'll live up to His destiny for me. Just as how He caused all my DSAs in 2009 to fail, and saved me from bonding myself to VJC via strings so that I can be a free unbonded student in RI, I know that He has a plan for me in this school as well. I've learnt that those who trust in God won't ever find themselves lost. Wherever we go, we're never too far from Him that His arm can't reach us.

The moral of the story? Wherever you end up in life, give thanks and praise God.

So do I regret putting RI as my first choice on the JAE form? Do I regret joining Raffles Players? Do I regret anything?

Absolutely no regrets.

I couldn't resist!

2010-02-19T21:59:00.002+08:00

I think this event was so amazing, it deserves a post all by itself.

I got off the Somerset MRT, and walked around in search of a CD store. It was nighttime, and I was alone. I looked around. Along the way, I bumped into Edwin, who commented on what a naughty boy I was for being in a shopping centre in my school uniform. Shaking this shock off me, I continued in my pursuit of the store. I would not give up.

I walked down the road, under the black sky. Although my thighs ached and my calves felt like tearing, I was not fazed. Although each step tore me, I would not break.

I needed to find that store.

I set my eyes upon Wheelock Place- Borders! At last, my redemption! I hastened my pace, eagerly drawing nearer to the land of promise. At last, I found what I needed.

I was walking in Borders. I saw THIS FANTASTIC ALBUM. Should I buy it? I was rooted to the spot, torn between two choices.

Then, Bad Romance began playing on 98.7FM.

I could not resist. I broke. I gave in.

And, OMG I FINALLY GOT IT YES YES YES YES YES HAHAHAHAHA BOOMZX!

Our New Operative

2010-02-11T23:03:00.003+08:00

My dear little monsters,

I have with me our new command from the Order- to teach the human males our definition of manhood.

The Enemy has created the human males as despicable little replicas of Himself. Being made in His very own image, but clothed in flesh, the humans are spiritual amphibians- souls wrapped in skin. As if it was not terrible on its own, as males, these creatures bear upon their hearts imprints of the nature of our Enemy Himself- wild, untamed, free. They give off the same stinking aroma as He does, and we are very loathe to even dwell for extended timings in their houses lest we are consumed by the light. The Order has provided us with our policy for the time being- the offensive odor that the males give off wafts forth from within their spirits, which are from the Enemy, the Master of all Spirits. To protect ourselves, and to lead these males ever so closer to our Father's throne, we are to corrupt their nature. We must take their eyes off the manhood that the Enemy has given unto them, and imprint ours onto their hearts.

Let us first analyze the plans of our Enemy. The Enemy created the humans with one thing in mind- they are to be free and untamed. Their emotions can, and should, overflow from their hearts in a stream of praise unto Him. As part of His devious plan, the Enemy has programmed into the hard drives of these humans an innate, almost primal desire to dance, sing, jump, run, stretch- disgusting physical actions that showcase their emotions in nauseating freedom. Once this secret function is activated, we are thrown into jeopardy. The stench will diffuse downwards so terribly that eventually, the towers of Hell will drown in the stink of it all. Since the Enemy has cunningly made this function undeletable to all but Himself, we have only one option left- we must convince the males that this function is a flaw. We must teach them to hate themselves. Once they give up their self-love, we have won over their souls.

Firstly, we must convince these males that their desire to express themselves is an innate flaw that they must suppress. We must take the thoughts of these creatures off the original intent of the Enemy- that their emotions help them feel their way around creation, and are in fact stepping stones to Him. We must convince them that what has been given unto them as a step upwards is actually a tripping stone. The humans must be indoctrinated into believing that they are better off without emotions.

Our Mass Outreach Forces have achieved considerable work in this unit, by manipulating what the humans term "media". Through their media, we have successfully launched Project ESM- Emotionless Steel Man. Through the pop culture icons Wolverine and Rambo, we have drilled the perception of an emotionless warrior into the minds of males as what is desired from creatures such as themselves. These timeless figures have served their purpose well- they have deluded many males into forgoing their ability to feel. They have forced many men to conform to our image by suppressing their emotions. Through Project ESM, we have made males smile less, laugh even lesser, and never cry at all, even though they would all love to do so. We have successfully made them think that emotions drag them down (which it does- to us!), and away from their personal goals. We cannot eradicate their emotional functions, but we have done an extremely good job in suppressing them.

I am very proud of you, my little monsters. You have extended your grasp from adult males to even the littlest boys of their kind. By toying with the minds of the fathers of the human boys, you have began sawing away at the connections between the boys and their fathers, such that these males can only be fathers, and never 'dads'. By building on the base that Project ESM has established, you have taught the fathers that they, too, must train their boys to be emotionless things as well. As such, when they fall down, their fathers never help them up, but stare down at them with hard eyes and command them sharply to get up. When the boys cannot throw a ball, their fathers never encourage them onwards, but instead yell at them for being such a 'girl'. When the boys run to their fathers to show them their latest crayon doodles, the fathers never praise them for their talent, but instead nod briefly before turning back to their papers. You have done well, my monsters. Now, the masculinity that the Enemy has passed on to His first human male cannot be bestowed unto the next generation of boys due to this severed ties- as such, few Enemy-standard men remain. The rest have fallen to us. They are ours for the eating.

As such, our plan is as follows- kill their emotions, kill their childrens' hearts, and eat both their souls.

Go forth, my monsters. The harvest is plentiful.

I am so lucky

2010-02-08T22:42:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder how my life would end up if I never met Claudia, who brought me to Christ in FCBC. This leads me to wonder how I would end up if I never came under Darren and SzeKiang's leadership. This leads me to wonder how I would end up if we were never meshed up into a huge cluster of guys in 2008, and I wouldn't have met Dennis and Samuel. From here on, I begin to wonder how things would have turned out if I wasn't taken in by Junhao, and I wouldn't be in my current cell.

So many questions- what if I wasn't in school on the day that Claudia wanted to invite me to church? What if the person who consolidated me wasn't SzeKiang? What if I wasn't put into Junhao's cell?

God is so amazing, because He has planned it all out for me. Amidst all the probabilities, He has pieced together the best possible combination for me. I am so thankful.

I am so lucky. God has provided for me not just friends, but great brothers who're always around for me. These guys are amazing people. None of us are perfect- we all struggle with sin, being only human. But nevertheless, we push each other onwards, lift each other up, laugh together, cry together, sing together, pray together, put our arms around each other together, celebrate birthdays together, eat dessert together, study for O levels together, sign cards together, sit around in parks together, waste time in McDonald's together even though train service is ending, support each other at performances together (Bryan and I must both be immensely thankful for this!), stay overnight at chalets together, talk about Ris Low together (okay this is just me), take long MRT journeys together, strut down Orchard Road together, dance together, and eventually walk into Heaven's gates together.

Thank God, and thanks as well, guys. You keep me going, keep me fueled, keep me running, keep me laughing, keep me faithful, keep me hoping, keep me loving.

Arjay See

2010-02-03T21:00:00.003+08:00

Try reading my title out loud, it's a homonym for RJC! HA!

G'alvea, RI(JC)'s orientation programme, has taken a lot out of my system. Every day I reach home at terrible timings, and I'm so tired that I don't even bother to switch my comp on (which is really amazing for me!). The long journeys to school with WeiQiang every morning have been really interesting, because we take all sorts of routes to school in attempts to find some enjoyment in our otherwise boring task. On day one, we took the green line to City Hall, from which we changed to red line to go to Bishan, from which we took a yellow train to Marymount. Then we went on the Red Line (via Woodlands) to Jurong East to go home! And on another day, we tried taking the purple line from Outram Park to Serangoon, but the train broke down before it reached us! WQ and I were so panicked that we cabbed to RJ from Outram (FIVE DOLLARS PER PERSON OMG D:), and alighted at Raffles Institution (Sec), and were totally lost. So, basically put, going to school is in itself an adventure!

On Day One, we were commenting on how strange it felt to step into the golden halls of RJ, because RJ is, to all O-Level students, the Promised Land of Insane Muggers. Oh, imagine the joy! And we were also the first students to reach the Lecture Theatre, so we went in and sat in the middle (YES THE MIDDLE) of the theatre and waited for something to happen!

It's also amazing how I'm in the same school as so many other FCBC members- Dennis, Benjamin, Vanessa, ShaoTong and Joel! It's really cool because we're even having prayer meetings together! This is really cool. I know we're not in the same school by coincidence- God definitely is at work!

Orientation has been fantastic. The level of professionalism in the organisation, the smooth transitions between activities, and the value-for-money factor ($38.70 for three shirts, a shoe bag stuffed with handbooks and a towel, and three lunches is definitely worth the money!) is astounding! Our Orientation Group Leaders were also astoundingly fantastic. They led us well despite being dead tired themselves. Even though I went missing on a regular basis due to TSD and KI tryouts (Oh I made it into both! Yeah! But I chose TSD over KI in the end, heh.), I could sense that everyone was really very happy with the orientation as a whole. The finale O' Night was fantastic too! The burning of the G'alvea effigy was a great closure to the event. My conclusion- RJ IS

(By the way, I drew the words myself, with a fabric marker while lying on the floor in my house. I am so darn awesome, say it! :D)

After Orientation, I am now a full-fledged Rafflesian, a Physics-Chem-Math-Theatre student of 11S06M! I love my new class- they're friendly and outgoing. So boomz right!

Today, I had two hours of free time because everyone else was wasting away in Econs lecture, which I'm not required to attend! I was doing quiet time along the deserted benches near Manna Cafe, and I knew that during all this, throughout the orientation, the subject trials and in all that's to come, God's always here!

The greatest influence in my life

2010-01-26T16:50:00.002+08:00

As controversial, or bluntly put, “politically incorrect”, as my answer might seem, the greatest influence in my life is my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. Despite the general consensus to separate religion from daily affairs, I have to establish that I am not ashamed of His influence in my life. I understand that it might seem unbefitting for me to publicly mention Jesus in our secular society, but Jesus is at the centre of my heart and it would go against everything I stand for to not mention Him as my greatest influence.

I believe that Jesus died so as to give me a new lease of sinless existence. As such, Jesus is the driving force for everything I do- in everything, I excel so that I may glorify His name so that His redeeming work in my life might be proclaimed to the world. Not only does He drive me onwards, He is also my strength and shield- whenever I feel downcast, it is His love and assurance of better days that gives me the confidence to get back up on my feet.

Jesus has also taught me that in everything, we should be righteous. I aim to be righteous in all things, be it reporting miscalculated exam scores or not supporting music piracy, because I believe that a righteous man helps make the lives of others smoother and more delightful. Righteousness is what this world needs, and even though I am just a tiny individual working towards this huge goal, I am not discouraged because I know that bit by little bit, this goal is being worked to by many other “tiny individuals” just like me.

In the Bible, Jesus told His believers to always “love thy neighbour”. Jesus has taught me to love others unconditionally, regardless of their religion, race or age. As such, I volunteer at community aid projects not to build up my portfolio, but to extend love to other people. I believe that what this world needs is not more money or education, but compassion and love for our fellow human beings. Yes, money and education are important to our progress, but if these two are achieved without love as their starting-point, what value do they possess? A nation that has both, but does not have love, will not be a light unto the world because it does not have a compassionate and loving heart. Jesus has hence taught me that in life, what are essential are the values of faith, hope and love, and that the most essential one is love.

Jesus has shown me love and compassion. As the greatest influence in my life, He has shown me the way to life- faith, hope, love- and I hope to exemplify this and be His light unto the world.

A Discourse On Miracles

2010-01-21T13:47:00.007+08:00

I am truly amazed by the sort of things God does in the lives and hearts of His believers. I know that the Holy Spirit continues to work in wonderful and miraculous ways in the children of God, and I am thankful for all these. I've heard quite a few testimonies of God's amazing touch- tumours fall out in the shower! Bible pages flutter in the wind to bring out a verse that drives a point deep into the center of its reader's being! On a more personal scale, I've also heard first-hand testimonies of how dudes I hold very close to me have been touched by God- glimpses of visions are frequent occurrences for Solomon when he prays! The Spirit stirs up storms of emotions within Joshua's heart! Thank God for all these, because He indeed continues to minister to His people today through the Spirit.

I picture myself, and all my brothers-in-Christ, as candles lined up on an altar. As the flame of the Holy Spirit bursts out from the clouds of heaven and soar down towards us as we present ourselves to Him, we all quiver in excitement. The candle wax begins to warm up and soften, as a prelude of what is to come. As the sound of the rushing Pentecostal winds builds up, from a singing lone melody into a maelstrom of thunderous roars, the sound of our human spirits groaning grows as well, joining in the spiritual cry. The unearthly mix of groans and rushing wind stirs up even more of the same, creating a rousing cry of two primal expressions- "God, we want You." "I am coming, My people."

(At this point in time, I digress- I assert that Christianity is the ultimate manifestation of all that is human. Critics argue that Christianity is something man made up, but I disagree. As the embodiment of the entire spectrum of human emotions and experiences that both us and our Lord Jesus have experienced, I assert that Christianity, or more concisely, worshipping our Saviour God, is not something man created, but a way of life that embodies everything that is human.)

"God, we want you!" I join in the unearthly spiritual plea for God to come down. Suddenly, from the plumes of flame in the sky, rays of radiant light pierce through the atmosphere and flood the altar upon which we stand in glorious luster. I feel sudden current of energy flow past the altar- it feels like something huge and majestic just walked past. Suddenly, the cry of anguish turns into an expression of quenched thirst, as candles all around me ignite and begin burning joyfully. "Yes!" they cry. "We're lit!" However, I stand unlit, waiting for something to occur to me. "Hello? I'm still here!"

With that little story, I have bared my heart. I sometimes think of myself as someone God doesn't want miracles to occur to.

I must elaborate. Encouraged by testimonies of how God reveals words of wisdom through the Bible (which, I have to assert, does occur in our time), I have sat in front of my Bible, hoping for a sudden gust of wind to tear its pages open and point to a certain verse. After a moment of fervent praying, nothing happens, and I get considerably frustrated. Am I praying with a lack of faith? Or is God just unwilling to answer me? Desperate to satisfy myself, I open my Bible to a random page. I read the verses, but they don't make sense to me at all. I feel disappointed, but I simply close my Bible and go on to do something else.

I hear about how glimpses of visions and the promptings of the Spirit are common things in the prayer lives of my brothers, and I am thankful for all of these! But, I cannot help but feel a twang of envy in my heart. Why couldn't the person on the receiving end of the miraculous revelation have been me? (Do not mistake me; I love my good brothers. I really do. They are men that have always been there for me. But then, God has given unto them some things that I have not been selected to have. I do not hate them for this- how unbecoming it would be, for a brother to hate his own!- but I just wish that I could enjoy what they enjoy as well.)

In all of these, even when I am hurting deep down inside and hunger for a direct revelation from God, I will still praise Him! For all things work out for the good of His people. As the Sovereign King, God understands all, sees all, and touches all. As someone who is short of miracles in my life, I have been refined through the fire and taught to understand this precious principle in a way that others can only hope to achieve. Being someone who doesn't receive God's direct and specific revelation on a regular basis, I now know how to walk in something others might not have- faith.

Is it the man who sees who has greater faith? No! It is the man who is blind, but yet chooses to believe. For he cannot see, but trusts God to see everything for him.

I compare myself to a ranger trudging through the woods at night without a compass and a map. As I walk aimlessly and fearfully through the woods, the other teams speed along past me, guided by torchlights and lamps. Although at first I am distressed due to my lack of direct guidance, I find myself walking very comfortably later on. I am forced to walk through the darkness unguided, putting my trust not in myself, but only in our God who knows the path that I walk. Just like the absence of miracles in my life, the absence of the ranger's torches and lamps force him to trust on God. At first, he is afraid of the darkness that surrounds him. But, after a while, he is satisfied because he knows that at the end of the road, Jesus is awaiting him with wide open arms. He begins walking through life with a radically different perspective, now marveling at everything with wide-eyed wonder.

The conclusion of my discourse? Miracles are good, but they are not the core of our belief in Jesus Christ- unshakable faith is.

***

Benson says:
i was feeling this way on sunday-monday, when i was particularly fragile.
you noticed i was terribly broken from sunday to tuesday-ish, right?
i felt abandoned then. now i feel owned (by God).
Solomon - says:
pretty much
well, i;m happy to hear that
but if you are really not feeling fine
pls share
Benson says:
no, solomon. i am really alright now.
Solomon - says:
ok^_^
just wanted to tell you about the ranger trudging throu the foresdt
we will be and we want to be with you
^_^

Probably even more important than the humongous miracles such as healing of broken legs are the small miracles that you see every day. God works in both His huge boomz ways, and His little tender ways. Your spiritual brothers are a testament to His wonderful works. Get one today!

Hard, Hard, Hard!

2010-01-14T00:57:00.003+08:00

Remember how two posts ago I posted one of WeiQing's "5 Reasons Why You Should Hate 'Bad Romance'" post? Well.. Hard by Rihanna is worth your hate too! But unlike WeiQing I shan't keep it to only 5 reasons. There are so many more of them!! Alvin, this post will have you scrolling like a mad person again!

Benson's Commentary on 'Hard' all the way from the TOP:

0.00-0.07: I'll get to the trashy nipple tape cut-scene later on. Oh I have SO MUCH to say about that! But anyway, don't you just hate the totally unmusical and tone-deaf "Yeah yeah yeah" that she sing-shouts into the soldiers' faces? Also, note how the combination of Rihanna's white top and bikini-like bottom very very closely resembles Lady Gaga's initial "The Fame" styling! Does Rihanna get her inspiration (or blatantly rips off) from Lady Gaga..? (I'll touch on this later!)
0.07-0.20: TRASHY NIPPLE-TAPE! Everyone, note the style that Rihanna is trying to pull off- military couture! But, the question remains- can she? Well, duh, no she definitely can't. She comes across as trying very hard to make a point, but ends up being unable to deliver it with confidence. She seems like a poser at this point in time, which will only get worse in time to come. (The close-up on her boobies in 0.25 just proves my point further. Her corset very safely covers her nipples, preventing any exposure! She wants to be dangerous, but doesn't DARE to.) Also, the dirt on her face makes her look, well. Dirty. In an unpleasant manner. Also, note the Gaga-ish boots! AND TRASHY NIPPLE TAPE. And note her adjusting of her corset at 0.18! =O
0.43-1.02: Although I do think that this spiky black dress looks really really cool on Rihanna against the desert sand, and that Rihanna's eye make-up looks great, don't you find that the overall vibe she gives off is a strangely Gaga-esque one? It just doesn't seem like a very Riri thing to wear!
1.05-1.07: The trashy-tape Rihanna is back, and this time she's swinging her hands and half-squatting like a tough lil' gangsta rappa chick! It's just not HER! She's trying too hard to be tough she's failing!
1.07-1.10:The soldiers have ZERO EXPRESSION on their faces! Either they're real soldiers who can't act for nuts, or they're just really sad they have to pretend they're getting hard over a poser gangsta chick girl!
1.28: Trashy-tape gangsta girl is BAACK!
1.46-1.47: Rihanna's wearing some dirty mud-stained half-a-wedding-gown thing on her back! When I watched this MV with WeiQiang I screamed out loud because I thought it was a PERSON. Because the ruffles totally don't fit with the outfit at ALL! And the way it was bobbing up and down as Rihanna worked her butt for the camera, I thought it was a person with her face in her butt! OMG. This shows us how poor Rihanna's dramatic sequencing is! (Normally I'd say that this is all her director's fault, but since she said that she was involved in every aspect of production.... WHACK!)
1.47-1.56: This is trashy to the core. Since Rihanna is so totally untalented she has to resort to making fit-for-screen soft-core erotica. And how does she do it? She rolls on the ground a la skanky ho and spreads mud all over her Gilette-Goddess legs and chest! Who cares if she can't sing when she can be a mainstream screen ho?
2.12-2.13: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT WOMAN MEASURING BETWEEN HER FINGERS?! *suspicious suspicious* Especially when the lyrics at that point read "so little you got"?! And check out that TOTALLY OUT-OF-CHARACTER SMILE AND WAVE~!
2.28-2.33: This is the Ultimate Revelation of Rihanna's UNORIGINALITY- Mickey Mouse Ears!! She copied this off Lady Gaga, who first wore Mickey Mouse sunglasses in her Paparazzi boyfriend-poisoning MV scene. Not only does it totally fit into the scene like how a whale fits into a tea garden, the PINK ARMY TANK looks ridiculous too! OMG they painted an army tank PINK so an untalented Gaga-Ripoff can stand on it! Check out the crotch-grabbing at 2.25 too. How coincidental that she's heaving her crotch beside a CANNON SHAFT.
2.48: Well, I do have to admit that I think this tattoo and net-dress look does go well on her.
3.48-3.51: Oh, she actually looks FANTASTIC here! The animal preens hat and horse-hair add-on, combined with her Egyptian-style eye paint, looks really really good on her. She looks like a regal Egyptian warrior princess with that black flag. However, her outfit is too Gaga-ish for me.. note the pointed shoulders and V-shaped spacesuit feel.

Conclusion- Rihanna should stick to Good Girl Gone Bad. She's better being bad than being a trashy military-gangsta lady.

Up Late?

2010-01-12T02:25:00.002+08:00

It was L1R5 = 10, then 9, 8, and 7. At 7, my name still wasn't there. My heart was pumping so hard you could power an engine with it. Then, Mr Wu flipped the paper over and announced the 6-pointers.. And score. Whoa whoa whoa. I felt boomz.

Thanks for shouting "BENSON YOU BOOMZ", Ben Chia. That was just really awesome.

Just an hour before the release of results, I was feeling butterflies and every other insectile being crawl up and down my stomach. I felt terrible. So, I decided that the best thing to do would be to take out my Bible, chord file and guitar, sit on my bed and worship God. Thank God for affirming me in that short period of worship that I am, and always will be, His beloved son. And thank God most of all for revealing that in Him, I need not fear!

And, and, and, a few days ago on cell day, Joel, Solomon, Joseph and myself were strutting to the Redhill MRT station when I saw a Pokemon Diamond DS cartridge on the pavement! OMG it was so strangely random! I was having a total moral debate with myself over the ethics of picking it up for myself, and I was considering leaving it there, pocketing it or bringing it to the police station. The guys told me that the police would probably laugh at it and that the rain would kill the cartridge and that the best thing to do would be to take it home. So I half-heartedly put the cartridge into my pocket and continued walking to the MRT station.

As I was emptying my pockets at home, I realised that I, too, lost the cartridge on the way home! And I felt a strange sense of loss, in contrast to the twang of moral mis-alignment I felt when I first encountered it! Life is so weird.

(BE WARNED, this post gets highly abstract from beyond this point. Try to think of it not so much as a piece of logical writing, but an explosion of emotions, visions and words.)

Actually, the reason why I'm posting a second time today (and at such an unearthly hour) is because of a sudden revelation I received. And trust me, it made me feel boomz in a whole new way. I wanted to cry when I heard it in its entirety. Even though I keep thinking that I'm not a very sympathetic person, recent events (including this one) make me think otherwise. I have never felt so hurt and injured on behalf of someone before. It's not I who went through it- I just heard, and I felt so totally broken that other people would think it was I who went through the trauma. I was torn apart watching someone else's heart get torn, but I know that even though I felt terrible, what I went through is just a diluted version of the real deal.

AND it doesn't help that when I received the bombshell, I was listening to this:

Secondarily, this song has a curious quality that compels people to abandon themselves and just cry at the beauty of things. Primarily, this song embodies everything that the bombshell does. This song speaks of love everlasting.

I see hands tearing through the air, trying to grasp something in the air that seems so thick it's tangible. Electric blue shimmers through the air, which seems on fire with passion. Out of the smoke and blackness in the background, lighted by orange-hued lighting, a man walks out and drops to his knees.

So, his heart's been stolen but he's snatched it back. But his heart got wounded in the process. It's torn and bleeding from its gashes. And now, he's holding it out one foot in front of him. He's waiting for someone to pick it up, but doesn't dare to hold it out because while his heart's beating, it's also halfway through recovery, almost whole, but not really there yet. It's not a hot-blooded "come and get me!", but a mournful "does anybody hear me?" And darkness seems to close in.

A sour tinge pierces into your core, and slowly grabs your entire heart, swallowing it in fire. He's not you, but you feel like him as your heart is plugged into his. And as he cries, you slowly crumble. Surges of raw emotional energy pulsate through your arms as you throw them into the air. The rhythm of the moment throws you into a frenzy, dancing out a portrayal of a truly hurting being that is both painful to watch and yet beautiful to behold.

There is something strangely elegant and valiant about a torn heart. Battle scars that a man will never forget. Something about a guy's brokenness compels us to go forward, put an arm around him and place your other hand upon his aching heart. So that this guy knows that whatever he's feeling, wherever he's hurting, you feel it too. Where he's been broken, you have been too. Brother, I hurt too. When a guy is down in the dumps, the best words he can hear a fellow man say are, "yes, me too".

And when he stand up again, he walks away with his chest held high. He bears the wounds on his heart, but he knows that he's walking out stronger.

Remix

2010-01-12T01:32:00.000+08:00

“’Cause I’ve been told, I am average being
That I can never fly too high
‘Cause I was never meant to be
A shining star, or an eagle in the sky
That I must stop dreaming, join the rest of the world
To go through the motions, be one of the rest,
Be someone who has never lived.”
-Average Being, Benson Pang

Sometimes I wonder, just what is our destiny? Are we to just remain where we are, contented with the little patch of sky that we can see from within our deep and mossy well? Even though nobody bothers looking down the circular hole to ask us how we're doing, are we going to sit quietly and wait for the sun to set?

Or will we climb up the grimy stone walls, even the coldness stings your skin and your fingers rub painfully and bloodily against the rough bricks? Which is it for us, the blue sky, or comfort where we are now?

No, don’t remain in comfort! You won’t cry, that’s for sure, but you’ll be trapped in your own cowardice, never able to see the sky. Cast away your lukewarm hearts and take for yourself a burning one, ready to climb mountains you never thought you could! You are an eagle, a burning star, because God has called you to be one for Him!
***

I wonder what things will be like after I evaporate from this adorable little well, and diffuse into the external atmosphere. I'll definitely rain down into the little well, trickling down its walls to see what things are like. And, if I hit the surface with enough impact, I'll stir around a bit, shake up the still waters a bit, before being liberated into the atmosphere again.

It's amazing how water, even when evaporated, is still essentially dihydrogen oxide. Even though it's no longer part of the little well, it is still water in essence. Even though its vapours fly freely, it's still a little, innocent village boy at heart. Always a well dweller at heart, never forgetting the depths from which he'd fought so hard to climb out from.

Oh, the sky. Ah. The sky.

Reproduced with Permission

2010-01-04T10:19:00.002+08:00

I asked WeiQing if I could reproduce this post, and she said okay. She posted it on her blog, Rictusempraa.onsugar.com, on 30/12/09. I read it and laughed out loud multiple times throughout the post. She is an author who manages to pull her audiences through storms of bizarre emotions and thoughts that nobody will ever venture into by themselves.

***

Remember back in the days of Nicole Scherzinger's Baby Love where I had an entire rant post dedicated to how inane and frustrating her incredibly brainless the MV is?

Well, yeah. While THAT one was just.. annoying, Lady Gaga brings HORROR to a whole new dimension. I mean. It wasn't even visually-stunningly horrifying in the spectacular way. It was just - creepy-horrifying. I mean, it's something that'll give me nightmares, and I'm the nine year old who watched Korean horror movies alone at home at night with all the lights off and can still sleep peacefully after that. So if Lady Gaga can scare me, Lady Gaga IS scary.

I mean, WTF is the video? It reminds me of alien abductions and CAN SOMEONE PLEASE ADMIT that Lady Gaga is in fact, not a woman, nor a man, but NEITHER AT ALL because she is INDEED AN ALIEN. And aliens are without gender segregations. They are genderless creepy alien beings that are about to take over us with their hypnotic music crippled with subliminal messages. Also, RA-MA-RAMA-MAMA can totally be Martian for 'AND IN 2012 WE WILL SMASH YOUR PUNY LITTLE PLANET AND INSTALL HALFMANHALFWOMEN CHANTING SINGERS BEDECKED IN SKANKY SLIPS OF SEQUINED OUTFITS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!'

What I am trying to say is, the music video is honest to God, very very terrifying. It it were artistically terrifying, I would love it. But because it is Bad Screenplay Satanic Un Visually Pleasing (well, except for the scene where she's in black, surrounded by those crystal bits. Liked that one.) Scary, I HATED IT.

TOP 5 REASONS WHY IT IS SCARY

1) White Suit Alien and Creepy Fingers

The white aliens with half their face covered with the crown like thing, and their disturbing finger movements. Notice how the cringe and flex is EXTREMELY, OBVIOUSLY inhumane. No human would do something like that with their fingers. ONLY LADY GAGA WOULD. And this spells out a straight equation, that she is not human. ALSO, very chillingly during bathtub scenes where she's sporting that mass of blonde curls, her grip on the bathtub followed by (again) creepy finger shits. It's like the stereotypical long tapered alien fingers.. I mean, HELLO? ET PHONE HOME? Does that ring a bell?

2) HUGEASS EYES at 1:18!

Or any of the bathtub scenes actually. It is, I swear, FREAKY. How does she get to have such big eyes, unless of course if she is extraterrestrial. Whatever she is, it is enough to make me piss my pants, with orbs that size. THEY ARE EFFING SPACESHIPS. Not EYES. I bet she has like 360 degree field of vision with a pair like THOSE.

3) PENIS FLASH AT 1:05!

This is not disturbing as much as it is funny, but HEY! Lady Gaga's response to the millions of tabloids claiming she.. he, (whatever) was a man. It's like she's saying, HA SUCK MY DICK PAPZZIS! As she blatantly flicks her dick in front of the mirror. CHECK IT OUT. But of course, disturbing also due to how this proves the presence of subliminal signs in this video.

4) 2.43 CREEPY DOG.

I have never, ever, in my life seen such a revolting looking cat.. dog? animal.. beast.. (that's assuming it isn't an alien). It is the butt fuglist creature I have ever seen. It is like Michael Jackson post plastic surgery self, Miley Cyrus, (Oh. My. Hell. This is TOO UNCANNY. I was Googling some ugliest people to add to the list after I came up with MJ and Miley in order to create the perfect image of JUST HOW UGLY THE THING IS when I came across this Top Ten list. GUESS WHO'S THE FIRST AND SECOND OF THE LIST? YES. MJ and Miley! I ought to work for the tabloids. That aside.). My point is something I cannot emphasize on further. So I'll convert the thousand words I have on its hideousness into a single picture (together with the enormous eyes).

5) ALL THE SINGLE LADIES?
Idk, but the part with all the demon humans wearing red leotards and masks gyrating around her? It's like Single Ladies in hell. But since Single Ladies is already in hell, we'll push THIS version to Dante's last level of hell. It's like the satan spawn of all music videos. Creepy.

***

Once again, all credit goes to WeiQing at Rictusempraa!

There Is Another Power

2009-12-23T01:33:00.004+08:00

This very deep post should be read with the following Bible verses in mind:

The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

(Romans 7: 14-25, paraphrased)

***

I am a mere breath, a fleeting shadow across the ground. I am a tiny candle in the wind, trying to keep alive but being suffocated by the air. I am only human.

I don't say this harboring the notion that I'm weak. I'm not weak. I refuse to believe that I am weak! I am, as God has told me, a mighty conqueror and co-heir with Christ. God's fire burns in me! I know that I'm light, one too strong to fight!

But, sad as it is, there is, most unfortunately, Another Power. And this Power is all around me. It's like a permeating vapor, filling every conceivable space that it has access to, leaving no grounds uncovered. It is in the books I read, the songs I listen to. Every time this Power shows up, my skin recoils in disgust. I'd be so much better off if I just went along with the Power, soaked in it, and pretend that all's fine and dandy with the world. But I will not, because I know God has given me the ability to conquer the Powers that be!

Unfortunately, God isn't a wish-granting genie. I will not, but it doesn't mean I can't. How I wish God would bestow upon me Power-resistant armor! Until that day when I see Him in His unveiled glory, I'll have to fight. But, this battle is such a painful one to fight. See, this Power is knocking on my heart's door, like a thief who runs in the night. I raise my battle flags, and my spirit brandishes his sword.

I've established that this battle is painful. But what makes it so painful? Every slash I make at the Power is like a thrust into my own heart. See, a tiny sliver of the Power has already diffused into my heart through its cracks, and resides within me. Traitors lie within the walls of the castle, ready to eat it out. The Power is like a ravishing woman to my hot-blooded maleness, ready to seduce and devour.

The painful thing is- I am fighting against what I crave, what I want.

This aspect of the battle pains me. For once, the fire that burns in my heart hurts me. I know that this is a battle of the spirits. However, whatever my spirit recoils at, my flesh delights in! Thankfully, I know that the essence of 'me' truly hates the impure things that the Powers have in store for me, for the reason why I seem to enjoy these things is because some Power has already infiltrated through my ranks and settled in my flesh, deceiving and luring. As I breathe in more of this toxic vapor, it becomes more of a sweet fragrance, and I delight in the decadence that it provides. This brings about even more anguish for my spirit- my whole being is thrown into disorder. Civil war is rampant among the different factions of my being. I know, deep down inside, way in the seat of my heart, I want to fight for my redeemer, my light, my God.

I've been told that the Holy Spirit comes like a flood of living water, washing out every sin and healing every wound. I know this. But, just like how wanting does not equate to ability to ignore sin, knowing this truth does not equate to experiencing it. Maybe, somewhere in my heart, logic gets in the way. This weird function of my being tells me that maybe, perhaps, the Holy Spirit doesn't do such things anyway. Maybe, just maybe, these things don't occur anymore. Maybe, I'm truly and desperately alone.

My flame is on the verge of extinction. The wind seems to be winning. But I am still pressing on, holding on even tighter through all the daggers in my heart and through the tears that pour from my wounds. I cringe in anger, fear and terror as the man that stands behind the Powers unveils himself. I see the Enemy, and for a moment I thought the flame went out.

Cold, empty, alone, I raise my sword to take a final stab at him before I give up. I lift up my sword. Cold steel flashes before me. The Enemy laughs. "Boy, you never win!" He cackles. "The winds are too big for you this time, boy!"

I refuse to believe that is true.

I think back, and my spirit stirs. Maybe knowing in my head that God is always with me isn't the key to winning this battle. Maybe my logic isn't what I need. Maybe I've been fighting a spiritual battle with my intellect. Maybe what I need isn't rational, clean, safe comprehension. Maybe, perhaps, really, all I need is to step out into the wilderness and roar.

All I need is to believe.

I roar like a mighty unrestrained lion, and I thrust my gleaming sword right into the Enemy's velvet robe. Fire descends from heaven, and I feel flames and water burst forth from my heart. Total exhilaration. I laugh and cry at the same time as the beauty of the moment overwhelms me. The holy fire burns, and the Enemy flees, defeated forever. Now, it's just God, me, and a blaze of glory.

There is Another Power. But, God is so much stronger.

In That One Moment

2009-12-16T23:37:00.003+08:00

When I worship God, I yearn for that one moment when God comes through, and I truly experience Him.

In that one moment, I look beyond my guitar, my Bible, my pillows, and even beyond the light in my room. I am taken beyond my strongholds, my pride and my insecurities. In that one moment, God's Spirit meets mine.

In that one moment, God holds my heart, my joy, my tears, my world in His hands. He holds it not like a person carrying a dead-weight burden, but like a lover holding his darling's hand. In that one moment, God gives me fire, strength, courage, faith, hope and love. In that one moment, God lifts me up and away from my sorrow. He pours Himself into my heart, and shows me that regardless of the place I'm in, He is still with me.

In that one moment, that fleeting moment, I am reminded of what love is.

Reading The Best Book Ever

2009-12-11T22:10:00.002+08:00

I'm currently reading Junhao's copy of John Eldredge's "Wild At Heart". I dare say that it's the best book I've read in a while. It surpasses CS Lewis' "Mere Christianity" and "The Screwtape Letters" by leagues. It's the sort of book that makes you want to read further, but fear to do so. I was reading it on the MRT to cell group on Friday and i was enraptured by the book. I could read beyond Chapter One, but I had to stop there because if I read beyond that I'd begin bawling on the MRT, which is really unglam because only little kids do that. But anyway, I strongly hold that every man has to read this book!

As I read through the book's first few pages (by which I actually mean the first one-quarter of the book) I learned a lot about God that I never knew (or realized) before. For one, God definitely isn't a tame Person. We cannot attempt to compartmentalize our religious life by boxing the Holy Spirit up into a pretty box, labeling it "The Sunday Box" and throw it into our minds, digging it up only on Sunday morning when we crawl from our beds. God will not be tamed by our human efforts.

Jesus is the Lion of Judah, a mighty warrior. Try as we might, we cannot fence Him in, or clip His nails, or muzzle His jaw. Well, we can, but the one thing about God is that God always come through. Even if we manage to force the Lion to don the muzzle and hide in his box, He will find a way to get through them. The best example? Even death couldn't hold Him down, let alone our human attempts to eradicate every trace of God from our modern lives. God always comes through. Regardless of the circumstances, He always finds a way to win the battle to prove that He is King of all.

To save His people, God summoned storms, plagues, flooded Egypt's rivers with blood and tore the Red Sea's waters into half. Egypt was left in ruins, with all her firstborns struck dead, and stood struck with a painful revelation that Yahweh is Almighty. And in His most awesome redemption story yet, Jesus saved the human race with the weirdest crew of all- a few prostitutes, a couple of fishermen and a tax collector. And still, He manages to come through! Death is defeated, and God rules forever. To save His people, God always comes through!

If you're stuck in a terrible situation today, and you're wondering if God sees you, or that He cares, rest assured that the answer is YES- HE DOES. Even in the most unseemly circumstances, He still comes through, and He always will. Nothing is too complex for Him, or too huge to move away.

Wow, the summoner of floods, commander of legions of angel armies, the defeater of death itself, is in love with you! How much better can life get?

What would you expect from a walk with God?

2009-12-09T00:02:00.001+08:00

oh wrong word. i meant "what do you expect to experience?"

hmm.
well, i tell you what i have learnt from walking with God for the past 2.5 years ba. hope that will help.
at first, i thought that walking with God meant that i'd suddenly be thrown onto a bed of roses.
i thought that it meant i'd have no more troublesome events in life and that i'll be high all the time.
but then, that's not true. we're not in heaven yet.
i've learnt that God want us to rely on Him for everything. i've learnt that He is indeed big enough to settle all our problems.
in fact, problems teach us to rely on Him, because for Him who can obliterate mountains with a word, our problems are nothing.
i've learnt not to always walk in a formula, because God is not a formulaic Person.
i've also learnt that God is not a genie. it's not that if we chant "dear God i want a new lappy" ten thousand times, He'll give it to us.
i've learnt that what God is concerned about is not how many times we pray, but how hot we burn each time we pray.
Jesus has given me His enduring love. i've learnt that even when nobody trusts me or loves me, He still does.
i've learnt and felt this love many times, and each time i encounter Him i know that i don't worship a false God.
i've learnt that till the end of my days, Jesus will be with me. and He promises that soon and very soon, He will come for me, and all my fears and sorrow will be wiped away.
because now, i love Him too, and i know that when the allocated time comes I'll be with Him all of my days for eternity.
i've learnt that when i accept Jesus into my life, our Father is overjoyed because He sees His lost child walking back to Him.
and i know that even if i can't see Him, even if i can't hear Him, he still hears and sees me.

well that's what you can expect.

NEW LAYOUT

2009-12-08T15:07:00.002+08:00

It's been a while since I got back on Photoshop. But in any case, here I am with a new layout!

A lot of times, designers fret over not having any inspiration for new layouts. I totally agree that inspiration is an important part of designing, because trying to draw up an entirely new layout without any creative juice flowing through your hear really is tough. It's like trying to drive a car that has no fuel, after a while you'll go crazy trying to move. Chances are, even if you do get started, you'll hate whatever you produce.

Most designers nowadays aim to be inspired by superstars, TV shows and other similar things, which actually isn't entirely bad. They do provide us with a good stock of artistic inspiration which can produce very good layouts. As a Christian, I've recently had this epiphany- I am not ruled by earthly powers, but by God! My problem of a lack of inspiration was solved. In all things, turn to God and He will provide!

This layout is a labour of love (actually all of them have been, hahaha!), and a cry for God to indeed come- into my life, into the lives of those I love, and to flood into the world again. This is part of a cry for God to come and let His will be done. To let eyes be opened to see His love, and to let broken hearts be healed by His enduring love. And through all of this, Jesus is revealed. This is part of a prayer for God's church without walls to take its place, so that our song of worship will rise up throughout the nations. Across all nations, across all aspects of society, let Jesus' name shine above all others.

Join in the cry.

He's not a feeling

2009-12-07T17:52:00.002+08:00

God is not a feel-good vibe. I do not go to church to get a religious high, or to make myself feel like I'm sinless and have secured myself a nice spot in heaven. I don't go to church every Sunday and sacrifice my time and energy just so that I can fulfill my religious duty and earn a nicer spot in heaven because of my 100% attendance. Things don't work that way, we don't live in a religious merit-point system or in a world where God is just an excuse to feel ecstatic.

God is love, but that doesn't mean we'll feel happy all the time. As His people, we shouldn't live in emotional bondage, being ruled by our emotional ups and downs. 'Feeling' is the voice of the flesh. Unlike the pre-believers who do not know God, we should not let our lives be ruled by simply how we feel. We have a God who hears us even when we can't hear Him, a God who knows our hearts even when we can't feel Him in ours. He should be the voice we follow, because only He is good.

I went out with my mum today

2009-12-01T21:43:00.003+08:00

We were at Chinatown when I saw this in a display window:

Oh BTW on Sunday, Pastor Mak mentioned the word "boom" during service. "He did this, and that, and suddenly, boom! He died." (or something along that line.) I suddenly flinched and erupted into a bout of silent giggles. There was a ripple of disturbance in a one-person radius around me, and Junhao punched me in a fit of Ris excitement. Oh my life is so joyful. (:

PROM IS OVER

2009-11-25T14:02:00.003+08:00

Photos on FB, I don't want to upload everything again. x)

Well, the 7th Exco has been working for this event for the entire year of 2009. From the moment Orientation ended, we've been planning and working, thinking of how we could make this event successful and memorable for all. The Chinese New Year survey gave us big hopes that this event would receive overwhelming response- it was almost a univesal "yes, I want to attend the prom", with more than 90% willing to pay $70-$80 and wanting it to be held at a 5-star hotel. Turns out, surveys aren't to be trusted, and we had to fight for the next six months trying to make our misleading survey results a reality.

For the next few months, hopes were dwindling, and we were losing morale, wondering if we should have even organized a Prom in the first place. Thank God, in the end, for God still provided, and He gave us a Prom that was nevertheless exciting and enjoyable for everyone!

Through the planning of this prom, God has truly shown Himself to be Jehovah Jireh- "God the Provider". A lot of times, I felt like I was running on empty, trying so hard to pull an event together even though nobody was receptive, nobody was supporting us. Everywhere I turned I heard people who knew no better criticizing the Prom from head to toe, throwing us comments on how the Prom 'could be made better' even though they themselves voted for what they wanted. I didn't know what I could do, but God did.

As I prayed, He answered, and He gave us a major victory by helping us lower the Prom contract from 140pax (of which we were short of $1000 plus) to 120pax, which was a lot more comfortable for us. And even though the emcees had very little time to prepare (they went up practically scriptless!) God still provided, and we had two dynamic emcees who were able to stir up a great show. Performances were great- God provided us with a grand show even though there were no rehearsals!

And thank God for blessing me with nimble hands and ample skills- I've never felt so delighted as a performer! The reason why I was scheduled to perform was because Hwee Chek's band pulled out on Sunday night due to personal reasons- I was roped in to perform one day before the Prom. I was extremely nervous (as you might have seen in "Exodus"), but God proved Himself to be faithful by letting "Storm" become an extreme success, much better than I would have thought it could have been. The applause and enjoyment of the audience is what pleasures the performer- exactly how I felt as I stood on stage as the audience applauded very loudly. But, let it be known that the glory is all God's, for He sustained us and provided for us. The show is all His!

(btw the video is HERE- )
Let my heart be a testimony to all about God's power. Through the entire prom preparation period, God has shown Himself to truly care about me, even more than I love Him. God has moved circumstances around because of the prayers that Cindy and I made, and even though the situations have left me hard-pressed and depressed, God has proven Himself to be my Comforter, and most amazingly, my friend. Looking back at the road I have walked, God has been there all the time!

Some people might think that religions are something like social clubs, where people go to socialize and participate in rituals and activities that make them feel good about themselves, and where they hope that a genie grants all their wishes. But so many times, we all forget that God is so much more than a wish-granter. God is interested not in our happiness, but in the condition of our hearts. Through the Prom, God has conditioned my heart to know and love Him more. And as I grow, I now know that more of His love fills my life. God is so much more than just a feel-good vibe and a light Sunday refreshment- He is also always there for us, waiting for us to return home.

HAHA MSN ROCKS

2009-11-17T23:49:00.001+08:00

MSN is making me laugh so badly man.

Benson says:
the apple crumble and vanilla sauce taste better than sex! bwahahahaha.
dennis. says:
WHAAT. that sounds wrong.
haha.
Benson says:
i was trying to think of a 比喻 that showed how good the dessert tasted lol.
and sex is one of the primal urges of orgasmic existence
dennis. says:
lol sex biyu is overused, and it can't be that goood right.
=P okay okay.
Benson says:
OH SORRY I MEANT ORGANISM EXISTENCE LOL
BOOMZ
dennis. says:
that was a bad pun!!
it was, wasnt it?
Benson says:
this is so embarrassing. =/
no it was a mistake..
dennis. says:
haha!
rightt. ohh i realize i'm having 3 bbqs in 2 weeks!
Benson says:
so basically, apple crumble and vanilla sauce drives me more than sex. lol
wheeeee!
dennis. says:
that's hard to believe leh. lol.
ohhh you going for chalet?
church chalet?
Benson says:
eh are you calling me a lusty freak? =(
yeah i am.
btw i’m most likely changing audition song to this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7WjBf_54t0
dennis. says:
why!
Benson says:
LOL “eh are you calling me a lusty freak? =(
yeah i am”
LOLOL
dennis. says:
okay that must sound really good.
i didnt say that! lol.
Benson says:
LOL THIS IS SO FUNNY

WE HATE O LEVEL HUMANITIES

2009-11-10T16:55:00.001+08:00

This is a rant thread written by an O level Geography Elective student, dedicated to expressing his intense dislike for O level Humanities.

Humanities are supposed to inculcate a love for arts, culture and teach us to understand human mentalities and society. But, is O Level Humanities doing its job in teaching us culture? In a Humanities lesson, we are expected to learn to express our views and taught that nothing is absolute in culture. We are all entitled to our own views. However, is this view being brought to life in the way we are assessed? From how I see it, Humanities has been degraded to three basic points:

1. Memorising chunks of information
2. Vomiting out said chunks in record time while contending with acute muscle aches in hands (hence Humanities exams give an unfair bias to ambidextrous students- GRR!)
3. Trying to analyse the stupid question! Like what the hell does the examiner friggin' want man!

Instead of getting us to express our ideas about society and human interaction, Humanities exams are now testing us on how fast we write with respect to questions that stump all of us. Why is it that we are expected to do so much in just one and a half hours? Have the examiners ever tried taking their own papers? A Social Studies paper requires at least four cross-references, identifying of purposes, tones and hidden motives. How are we expected to do so much in an ideal time-split of 45 minutes? And, the SEQ questions are not tests of skill at all. Instead, they test our ability to remember the model answers, and then vomit them out in record timing. Is this what Humanities means in materialistic, modern Singapore? That all we need to do to get far in life is memorising a bunch of random facts and spilling them out?

Geography exams are not the best papers to do either. One point of contention I have with the method of examination is the requirement of examples- some questions, like the first sub-part for the 2009 Geography Elective Human Geog questions, are based entirely on the regurgitation of examples. Also, when we do questions involving GM Food, how many times are we going to vomit out the facts involving lectin potatoes and Bt corn? Are memorising examples as important as knowing the concepts and applying in situations? Geography is no longer a subject where we learn about the land and political issues that are faced by the people- it's now about memorising facts and vomiting!

People, Humanities needs its life back. What it needs is the actual artistic spirit that it aims to instill in us.

On a lighter note, hurray! Humanities is OVER!~ No more ridiculous questions involving weighing of factors to think about!

"Social Studies is a compulsory subject for all Secondary School students. Students are put through rigorous speed tests to ensure that they can complete the bulk of the paper in the stipulated time of 1.5 hours, and learn to predict future trends by analysing past-year papers in attempts to "spot" essay questions. By putting students through such unneeded stress and by forcing them to swallow huge chunks of information, students are bonded together with a common hatred of the subject, fostering a common identity and ensuring cohesion in the next generation of O Level students."

Solomon's being mean! =(

2009-10-21T19:45:00.002+08:00

Extracted from MSN..

Benson says:
dinghuang
joshua is having a cell meeting on friday for the sec 2s and 3s.
[16] d.h.tan Solomon says:
huh
joshua
...
[16] d.h.tan Solomon says:
oh yeah i not going cell this friday
Benson says:
?
[16] d.h.tan Solomon says:
as in my school got remedial for this week to go through answers
Benson says:
oh alrightey.
aaah. i'm all by my lonesome! =(
the sec 2s and 3s are eloping without me!~
[16] d.h.tan Solomon says:
oh ok
[16] d.h.tan Solomon went offline.

Thanks, bro. Exactly the sympathetic and compassionate response I was expecting. D=

Flying high

2009-10-10T17:57:00.002+08:00

Four years in Fuhua, finally up! I don't feel as happy as I thought I would.

My life in Fuhua can be separated into two parts:

First and second years- last express class, one of the least confident, least outspoken people in class, entered what was probably the worst CCA ever with a Drama COP.

Third and fourth years- Everything changed here. From last class to first, from junior softie prefect to Head of Liaison, from quiet member to pasionate ELDDS President, from softspoken little boy to totally extroverted young man, from Drama COP to Drama Silver, from godless to Godly.

It might be common and trendy for neighbourhood school students to hate their schools. I don't see why not- with substandard facilities and small compound, as compared to the branded schools, there's nothing to love and everything to hate about Fuhua.

But it is these things that make me love Fuhua. The way Fuhua makes ELDDS and Prefects fight, it has made me stronger. It has taught me to never give up, and know that I can walk on water in stormy seas. Dragons can always be defeated. Fuhua has taught me how to fight for what I love.

It is these things that give Fuhua its non-replicable feel. The way Mdm Oen makes her long speeches every morning that are filled with grammar mistakes, the way Mr Govind patrols the corridors on hunts for students smuggling drinks into classrooms, and the way the hall projector breaks down during important videos- they all give Fuhua its unique, quaint, semi-rundown charm. If Fuhua was as perfect as we all hope it'd be, it wouldn't be truly Fuhua anymore.

And hence, I am proud of Fuhua. For teaching me to fight and love, and for being rundown in its own charming way.

Walking around in the night

2009-07-20T19:42:00.000+08:00

Having friends is something like holding on to a candle while walking around at night. The candle illuminates your path and is a light onto your feet, showing you the way you should go. The candle bathes you in its warmth, saturating your heart with a fuzzy feeling.

One of the greatest delights of having friends is always having someone to put your arm over, because you know your friends are always beside you. How many times have you felt depressed over an unhappy incident, and picked up your phone to call your friend to pour out your sorrows? How many times have you opened an envelope to find out that you got a promotion, and called your friend immediately to scream with joy over the phone? Friends are always there to join in our rejoicing, or bow their heads in our sorrow.

Sadly, walking around at night is not a walk in a garden; after holding on to the candle for too long, molten wax trickles onto your tender skin, hurting you, and you cast the candle onto the ground in blind rage.

Friendship gets frustrating when the interests of friends clash. Although best friends share almost all of the same interests and pet peeves, some part of them still remain unique to only themselves. For instance, my best friend might not be a Christian although I am. Although our thoughts regarding most issues of life such as entertainment might complement each other, we often disagree over the big questions in life, like “who made the universe?” It frustrates me when I do not seem to be able to convince my friend to believe that a God exists, and it also frustrates him to a certain degree to have a friend who clings on so doggedly to what he perceives as superstition. Therefore, one of the frustrations of friendship arises when friends do not agree.

When untended, disagreement can fester into conflict, which burns the hearts of both involved parties. Many friends have broken apart simply because one friend said something to insult the other, who retaliated and eventually caused both parties to hate each other so much they cannot stand the sight of each other. This experience must be familiar to all of us. We all hurt so much when our friends leave us like this, because we care for them. Hence, one of the frustrations of friendship arises when we do not solve our conflicts, and because we simply care too much.

After a few steps, the darkness scares you, and you realise you need your candle to comfort you. You run back to the candle, striking a match and rekindling its flame. At last, the fire within you and your friend is complete.

It is a healing moment in everyone’s lives when we repair our broken friendships. While a hurt friend is brooding in a corner of his room over the quarrel he had with his friend, he replays not only the ugly events, but also the beautiful memories that he had with his friend. While he recalls the insults that they threw at each other, he also smile as he recalls how they laughed together at the grammar mistakes their teachers made. After a while, he feels, and knows, that he needs his friend. So, he calls his friend up and apologises. The friends share an intimate moment over the phone, as their spirits rejoice that they once again have each other.

Friends are great people to have. Just like the candle, they will always walk with you, as you both light each others’ paths, and walk through the darkness until the sun rises, and you both see the bright, radiant light.

I was writing in my English journal.

2009-07-17T00:15:00.005+08:00

Time to settle down.

2009-06-29T16:51:00.002+08:00

After the long holidays, six months of procrastination, general laziness and thinking that there's a lot of time left, I have finally realised that I have the next less-than-120 days to work hard enough for an exam that will determine the future course of my life.

So it's no more horsin' around, and it's time to get down to work. As such, I'll be offline most of the time, and actually revising in an efficient and productive manner.

I came across an inspirational sentence while doing my Chinese holiday homework:

冬天越深，春天越近。

(Basically it means "as winter gets harsher, spring draws nearer".)

So we're all entering into a harsh season, and we're all groaning, awaiting the arrival of spring.

So, off I go into solitary hibernation mode now. I'll pop out of my cosy little den once in a while to make little updates.

Go, go, go!

A Very Long Essay!

2009-06-25T16:42:00.000+08:00

Benson Pang (28) 4E5
150609
Commonwealth Essay

5. Describe the most disturbing incident you have experienced. What was it about this incident that still haunts you today?

The most disturbing incident that I have experienced would have to be the time when I left my house at the wrong time. I will never forget the little spot of hell that manifested on earth, right in front of my juvenile eyes.

It all happened when I was still a child. I was six years old then, and my mother was getting ready to bring my sister and I out for a day of shopping at the new shopping mall in town. My mother was bustling around the house, filling our water bottles and ensuring that my sister’s dress was put on properly.

“Alright, we can leave once I get my wallet!” Mum said as she wiped perspiration off her brow, smiling as she walked into her room. She called out from inside, her voice echoing through the hall, “Just sit down at the couch, darlings, I’ll be out in a jiffy!” I heard the sound of eager hands rummaging through drawers coming from my mother’s bedroom, as my sister took me by my hand and walked over to the couch. As my sister settled down onto the couch and began flipping through her storybook, I looked longingly out of the door. I wanted so badly to go to the mall; Mum promised that she would buy me an action figure for having scored well for the examinations!

I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulders, tottering off to the door. “I’m going downstairs first! I’ll meet Mum and you downstairs!” I slipped my shoes on despite the shout of protest from my sister, and I ran happily down the corridor towards the elevator. While in the elevator, I jumped about on my tiny feet, brimming with anticipation for the time when I could lay my hands on my new toy.

When the elevator’s doors opened, I ran out gleefully to the void deck. I walked to the roadside, which Mum would always bring us across to get to the bus stop. I looked across the road, to see if the bus was on its way to the bus stop. An unexpected deafening screech assaulted my ears, and I cringed as I turned to look for the source of the noise.

Countless passers-by had stopped along their tracks and congregated along the roadside to gaze upon the disturbing scene, like vultures ready to swoop onto their prey. A black car had gone rogue on the road, screeching as its tyres grinded against the road. Inside the car, I saw the driver tugging maniacally at the wheel in an attempt to get the car back on track. A woman sitting in the front seat, presumably his wife, was screaming while she tried to face two children who were sitting in the back of the car.

Fear gripped my heart as I saw a little girl crying in the back seat, while a boy sitting beside her yelled as he struggled to get out of his seat; his tightly buckled seatbelt prevented him from opening the door and jumping out. My heartbeat had accelerated to an unbelievable rate in the past few seconds; I felt numbness spread through my feet. Nothing could prepare me for the horror that was about to tear through my young, delicate mind. I still remember the faces of the family trapped in the car. I remember how their joyful anticipation of a happy family outing was turned into sheer terror.

I could almost hear the woman crying out to her children, telling them that things would turn out all right, even though they would not. I could almost feel how angry the father felt with himself for having got his family into such a sorry state. My eyes watered as my mind wandered off into the shoes of the two children; I could almost feel my mouth moving, shouting, almost screaming, “Mummy! Make it stop!” The first few tears trickled down my cheeks, which were already moist with cold sweat, as I saw through the eyes of the two children; the image of their mother as a super-woman, always able to do anything, was slowly burned to a crisp.

I was shook out of my state of imaginative shock, and it was now my turn to scream. The rogue car was speeding, almost flying, in my direction! I shrieked as I threw my hands before me and shut my eyes tightly. Thankfully, a passer-by grabbed me and pulled me backwards before the car could hit me. My pupils dilated in fear as I saw the car burst into flame. Dark plumes of smoke billowed from the hood of the car as I heard the screams of the passengers pierce through the air.

I began screaming and babbling like an insane child, crawling away from the scene like an injured rat crawling away from a starving cat. I saw the glass shatter as the father’s body flew out of the car. I shivered in fear as I saw the mother yell hellishly, and I saw tiny streams of blood flow out from the tiny space between the closed door and the body of the car. Acrid, burning smoke and the smell of blazing rubber stung my nose. The horror of witnessing a tiny little spot of hell materialise itself on earth was so overwhelming for someone of my age.

I was lying in a foetal position on the sidewalk, sobbing like a deranged little child, hoping against hope that this was all just a highly realistic nightmare. Peeking through slits in my tightly shut eyes, I saw the door of the car open, as the little girl fell out of the car. She was bleeding from many parts of her body, and as she collapsed on the floor, an empty shell of a beautiful girl that was once alive, I yelled in unearthly anguish.

The thing that fell out of the little girl’s tiny, delicate hands was a limited edition Happy Land teddy bear covered in soot. The exact one I wanted Mum to get for me.

A stray spark landed on the teddy bear, and the hungry flames quickly consumed it

Photos from all over the place!

2009-06-24T12:49:00.002+08:00

Pictures from Class Gathering at Mr Lee's House!

Here, us guys were waiting for our turn to use the pool room so we went to attempt to play at the little kids' playground!

WeiQiang is too big for hopscotch! Anyone of us could probably jump over the entire thing.

We finally got to use the pool room! Check out our interesting poses as we attempt to get the balls into the hole.

We went to play Cheat at Mr Lee's house after watching The Ring. By the way, I was cowering behind a pillow throughout pretty much the entire movie. I am quite happy that really nobody could read my poker face during the game. =)

We were bored after playing Cheat over and over again, and so it was a choice between watching 宝莲灯 on Channel 8 (which is a terrible show! ]:) and going downstairs to play childish games.

Do you remember this game? It's 老鹰抓小鸡, where we were all hiding behind YongMing and running from BoCan! Vennesa looks like she's all ready to tear YM's shirt off! >=)

That's all for the Class Gathering.. Now we move on to Investiture Rehearsals.

We were trying to switch on the big-ass fans in the hall so we wouldn't boil to death. And the term "big-ass" isn't something that we cooked up among ourselves.

That's the stage.

This is the control room!

Alrightey, that's all for the first rehearsal. The first rehearsal completely spoiled my day. Even though his skin is probably as thick as it was when he was fat and bloated, Brendan needs to realise that being as mature as his voice isn't going to get him very far! Even though I was extremely disappointed and unhappy after watching his antics on Monday, I'm not really angry any more, because I think I no longer care for the brat! I was originally going to write him a letter along with the rest of the handing-over letters that I was going to write over the holidays, but I'm not going to anymore.

Now, on to Day 2!

Mardi's pioneering a new statement in school fashion, wearing the blazer backwards!

Now, if only they were raising their hands to accept Christ into their lives, wouldn't that be nice? =3

Where was Madonna when "Time went by so slowly"?

2009-06-17T16:20:00.002+08:00

My English essays are strewn over cyberspace in bits and pieces. I think writing essays constrains my creativity. I dread the Chinese practice papers. Other than that, I think I can pretty much finish all my homework in the next two weeks!

I went down with Lifeng to look at how investiture plans were going, and we were quite amused at some of the things that were going on, such as the next exco getting the junior prefects to march. I was quite amused by the whole marching thing. Halfway through the rehearsal Lifeng and I went up to the control room to begin throwing music at the marchers. I think we were amusing ourselves more than we were contributing to the actual rehearsal. I think the only way we helped the next exco throughout the entire rehearsal was by unlocking the prefects' room for them.

I was talking to Felicia regarding the above cover of C. S. Lewis Song. (By the way, I think this cover is such an insult of the original song, the singer sounds like she's a juvenile seductress.)

Benson says:
she moves her shoulders in a very seductive manner. o.O
yeah!
like she's trying to seduce the men..
o.O
Felicia. says:
oh i wasnt noticing that
i only noticed that she kept shaking as if it was a rock song/techno song
okay the ending was bad
Benson says:
she sounded like she was having sex.. -.-
Felicia. says:
yes
but not rly having sex
its like
Benson says:
of course it's not like real sex.. that would be really bad.
Felicia. says:
cuz it sounded more peaceful
than having sex
Benson says:
LOL.
Felicia. says:
yea
Benson says:
so you want violent sex? >=]
Felicia. says:
no lah
ai yo benson
Benson says:
HHHAHH

2009-06-16T11:17:00.001+08:00

The bell rings, and my teacher rounds up his lesson, gathers up his papers and walks out of the classroom. My classmates begin to talk to one another as if they would never have another chance to, because in a sense, they do not. Today is the last day of the second school term. In just one more term, we will all be leaving school as young and confident men and women, with four years of education underneath our belts.

I bend over to look under my table, and I clear away the textbooks that I have stored there for the past months. I stack them up neatly, placing the small math textbook at the top of the pile, atop the large and cumbersome science textbooks. As I gather my subject files and stuff them into my bag, my mind wanders off to the end of the year.

I envision myself sitting at my desk in the examination room, scribbling vigorously on sheets of writing paper. I allow my mind to ebb and flow with the current of my thoughts, and I see that although I am writing like my life depended on it, the bright blue ink made no sense upon the crisp white paper. Hence, I ask myself, have I been trying hard enough all this while? My teachers have sown the seeds of knowledge, but have I watered them with my diligence? Would I be ready for the examinations?

I snap out of my reverie, sling my bag over my shoulders, pick up my stack of books and walk out of the classroom. I walk past the class notice boards, once covered with bulletins and tutorial schedules but now stripped bare, and out the back door. As I walk to my locker to empty its contents, I pass a young prefect, one whom I mentored during his probation period, and I smile at him. He smiles at me, and then walks past me, like how so many people walk in and out of our lives.

Turning left around the corridor, I go down the stairway and out of the school’s main entrance. I walk underneath the bright sunlight and come to a candy stall where my friends and I used to patronize previously. I recall all the times I played basketball with my friends after a day of school, and how good it felt to get a cold drink at the stall with them on the way home.

I remember the times when we sneaked out of the school compound during recess just so we could purchase a bag of potato crisps, and how we scampered back into the school to avoid being late for class. My friends have come into my life, and even though they will walk out of it eventually, they have sown seeds in my heart that have flourished into blooming flowers.

I tell myself, I must look into my heart and gaze upon these flowers everyday, to smell the scent of secondary school life, perfumed with the aroma of candy and the chemical smell of whiteboard marker ink.

I reach home, put my books down upon my desk and take out a stack of colored cards from underneath my desk. I fish out a pen from my pencil case and begin to write letters to all my classmates, thanking them for the memories that I have with them. I intend to give these letters out when school reopens, as a gift after four years of friendship.

As my pen speeds over the paper, I think of the seeds that have been sown all around the school and in my heart. I look forward at the harvest that is to come, and I write.

Sofa for Sale

2009-06-15T09:26:00.002+08:00

My sister and brother-in-law are interested in selling their sofa, which is in really good condition! I'd know, as I've sat on it multiple times before!

It is 2+3 seats
Dimensions (cm):
2 seats = 155(L) x 88(B) x 66(H)
3 seats = 205(L) x 88(B) x 66(H)
(Height taken without the cushion)

The cover can be removed for washing.
Brought at $1800.
Price neg.

Condition 8.5/10, due to a cut about 5cm that has been sewed up.Otherwise, it is in very good condition.

Buyer to arrange for own transport.

Child, what will you grow up to do?

2009-06-13T11:48:00.002+08:00

Night
Field of stars above us
You pick one, we frame it with our fingers intertwined
Seeds of every generation between our hands
And the promise to teach you the little I have learned so far

Child
What will you live to do? What have I left for you? What will we leave behind?

You
Learning as you're growing, not yet knowing the world isn't always quite as beautiful as it is now

Night
Field of stars above us
I pick one and name it for you and all who are to come

Yesterday was our very last Prefects' Bonding Day. It does feel rather sad to leave after spending three years here. But I believe that I have made a difference, and in one form or another, I am here to stay.

Clench Your Fists

2009-06-04T16:36:00.002+08:00

Stare at the Grand Deception Plan, it's the end of the day.

This is my hard work, and it ended up as a rather neat poster below!

This is Ms Yau's assignment for 4E5; write a love letter! I can't believe I wrote so much for something as mushy as this! I basically reiterated "I love you so much it hurts" in many different metaphorical manners and ended with "我不要求你回信，我只想对你说我一向来都是等着你飘到我身边的树。这可能都是我一个人的单纯，甚至愚蠢的美好的梦想，但是我真的很喜欢你。我真的，真的很喜欢你。"

I shall blog out the entire letter once Ms Yau returns it (we'll have to wait for quite a bit, guys.) Damn I should've scanned the letter before I handed it up!

I'll be here with Nigel, Peter and Ms Joanna tomorrow for 10th Anniversary!

I feel poetic recently, like artistic fire's burning everything away that doesn't work, leaving behind and refining the gold.

Plog Two

2009-05-18T17:38:00.002+08:00

These are from ages ago, but I looked through them yesterday and realised that I'm never alone. I don't play alone, pain alone. There's always a family to go home to.

=D

I drew this during Chem lesson. =X

Without fire,

2009-05-17T19:17:00.002+08:00

paintings can be masterfully painted, but without life. A dance can be performed with attention to every detail, but without vibrancy. Without fire, you can do everything physically but left everything undone in your heart.

The emotional fire that spurs an artist on is not a fire that consumes wood, but other emotions. The fire of an artist thrives on the applause and admiration that he raises up in his audience.

Oh yay, LiFeng liked the poster and bought a copy of it for herself! =D =D

Plog, plog

2009-05-12T15:15:00.002+08:00

"Plog" is my combination of "photo" and "blog". Yeahh.

Exams tend to bring out the worst in us, and our study drawers.

Look at the chopped chili fully submerged in dilute soy sauce solution, Tabasco sauce and white pepper powder. May your days be as spicy as Tabasco sauce.

Smelly is attempting to be a superhero, how cute.

If you look at the table with the man in the white shirt behind Smelly, that's the table where Kenneth Pang sat when I saw him. (It's quite a funny story. I was so busy gorging myself on a substandard strawberry dessert and drinking coffee while he walked in behind me. I was laughing after my mother pointed him out to me.)

Are there times when you feel awkward being yourself? Are there times when you ask why you were made like this, and why your flesh groans for things that were never meant to be?

Punch below the belt

2009-05-03T20:38:00.003+08:00

I offered you friendship; you gave me a punch below the belt.

Be careful, you won't want to walk into a submerged groin!

The humanities exams are a scare. I can't seem to squeeze so many facts into my head regarding coastal erosion and food intensification. And I have only one day to study for SS! D:

However, what is wrong with being “too outspoken”?

2009-05-01T15:45:00.002+08:00

Is it wrong to express our ideas and emotions because societal norms dictate that we keep such thoughts to ourselves? Why is it that some adults feel that teenagers should keep quiet while they themselves are free to express their own views? Do age and experience give our elders the right to say whatever they want? No! The right to speak up belongs not only to the elders, but to everyone else as well! I believe that everyone should express themselves without the fear of being labeled as someone who is “too outspoken”.

Being “too outspoken” is not wrong. However, it is something that we should all strive to achieve. It is through speaking up, challenging ideas and expressing contrasting viewpoints that we can work towards a brighter future. If teenagers keep quiet while elders discuss, how will anyone ever know of the fresh and bright ideas that they keep in their heads? What we need to further our knowledge are the imagination of the young, and the wisdom of the elders. I believe that we must stop thinking of our youth as being “too outspoken”, and treasure them as valuable members of our society with much to offer us through their ideas.

Benson says:
what are you studying now?
Nusrat says:
not exactly studying...more of staring at my MT books...
Benson says:
i thought your bengali paper was long gone?
so you lied to me?!
Nusrat says:
homework!
due tmr
i wouldn't lie...
Benson says:
LOL k.

What Really Is Our Destiny?

2009-04-18T00:00:00.002+08:00

To my dear, dear debaters who've worked so hard, enjoy what you've received. You've reaped what you've sown. However, we're all filled to be emptied again; the seeds that you've received, you must sow!

Sometimes I wonder, just what is our destiny? Are we to just remain where we are, contented with the little patch of sky that we can see from within our deep and mossy well? Even though nobody bothers looking down the circular hole to ask us how we're doing, are we going to sit quietly and wait for the sun to set?

Or will we climb up the grimy stone walls, even the coldness stings your skin and your fingers rub painfully and bloodily against the rough bricks? Which is it for us, the blue sky, or comfort where we are now?

I wonder what things will be like after I evaporate from this adorable little well, and diffuse into the external atmosphere. I'll definitely rain down into the little well, trickling down its walls to see what things are like. And, if I hit the surface with enough impact, I'll stir around a bit, shake up the still waters a bit, before being liberated into the atmosphere again.

It's amazing how water, even when evaporated, is still essentially dihydrogen oxide. Even though it's no longer part of the little well, it is still water in essence. Even though its vapours fly freely, it's still a little, innocent village boy at heart. Always a well dweller at heart, never forgetting the depths from which he'd fought so hard to climb out from.

Oh, the sky. Ah. The sky.

Thomas Pinikles Sud,

2009-04-11T00:18:00.001+08:00

The greatest director of our day.

Sud, and Brendan his personal assistant.

The entire cast of The Pot Boiler.

I'm the greatest director of all!

2009-04-09T21:19:00.002+08:00

When Dyan, JianYang, JunHoe and I joined ELDDS in Sec One, we didn't think very highly of ourselves as a CCA. We felt like outcasts from the rest of the world. We felt insignificant and silly with out disastrous script in hand. But still, Dyan and myself saw hope in our motley, rag-tag crew, knowing that there was light behind the tall, dark mountains.

In Sec 2, we stupidly took our above-mentioned disastrous script to SYF, and predictably got ourselves a COP, which basically means that we did terribly. ELDDS died for the rest of the year after that.

In Sec 3, debate was the only thing stirring life in ELDDS until August, when our fantabulous drama coach Yan took over us. That sparked the beginning of the time when the sun began to rise above the dark mountains, bringing light into our dark corner. From there, we grew from a measly club with 6 members to a dedicated crew of 15 SYF members, and three extremely dedicated encouraging teachers.

In Sec 4, debate went under an extreme makeover (literally) with the addition of Edwin to our team of leaders. Now, ELDDS is fully equipped to scale even greater heights, with the support of these fantastic people and our newfound dedication and spirit.

I am so extremely proud of ELDDS. Today was the day where our past half a year of training would be put to the test. We did make-up and prep work in the AVA Room before leaving. We bonded in the changing room and took a lot of character shots and family portraits while waiting. It was agonizing to wait for our turn outside the auditorium. We just sat there, felt the nervousness well up within us, and prayed, all of us. G was right; the waiting time is the worst time of our life.

And so, when the SM told us to take the stage, we did. I was no longer Benson Pang- I was, for the next half an hour, Thomas Pinikles Sud. And we did it to the best that we could. We entertained, and we enjoyed ourselves. The best reward that an actor can ever receive is the applause, laughter and tears of his audience. And I drank in the judge's laughter, and allowed my physical body to completely be a channel for my emotions to pour out.

And when we walked off the stage, we were running around screaming and hugging each other! OMGYAY!

To my dear, dear Pot Boilers- Dyan, Felicia, Fiona, Azhar, Nadin, Brendan and Ansari, it's been a great past half year with all of you. I'm so grateful for having got to know all of you, and I'm so thankful for having got to work with all of you. I'm sorry for all the times I was sarcastic and mean to you guys. I do hope we'll get to work together with so much energy again.

To the great people behind the curtains of the Pot Boiler- Jeslyn, YiFang, JianYang, ShiYu, Nasuha, Mrs Lim, Ms Lim, Mdm Leong, Yan and Samuel, I love all of you so so much! I don't know how this play could have succeeded without any of you. You guys are the backbone holding the actors up, and the life in the veins of our entire production!

ELDDS Drama has proven itself to be a lot more capable than the people would like to believe. We have, indeed, put up our best production ever!

I'm sorry, Brendan brudder. I just had to do that.

Colours

2009-04-05T21:34:00.000+08:00

In a desperate attempt to update my blog, I have decided to post my weekly English essay up here.

---

I am an artist, and I always will be.

I started out as a student in an art studio, practising under the famed Gloria Tang. Under her tutelage, I experimented with bright and vibrant colours like red and yellow. I was like a child released into a world where colours conveyed emotions, where splashes of red and orange showed my eagerness and passion for art. With my bursting zest and love for the canvas on which I painted, Gloria felt that I would have a bright future in the arts industry. Oh, how warm I felt when she affirmed my talent for painting! My heart glowed pink radiantly, as I practised to become a better painter.

As time passed, I began to move away from the juvenile reds and yellows of my artistic infancy. I delved into deeper and more intense colours that captured the essence of my maturity as an artist. My paintings were now composed of bold purple strokes and swirls of rich green. I was becoming a great artist, and people began to take note of my paintings. However, the little bit of attention I was drawing wasn’t enough for me. I turned green with envy when I saw the work of my peers draw more attention than mine. I wanted more!

I left the comfort of my teacher’s studio, and set up my own in another district. Now, the bright, yellow-white spotlight was mine, and mine alone! I hung beautiful portraits and paintings all around my new studio, and waited for awed customers to walk in. To my astonishment, I received so few customers that I could count them with one hand! I felt the burning red passion within my spirit ebb away to leave behind a lifeless, faded maroon. Didn’t my teacher tell me that I was a great artist? What’s happening to me?

I needed to get more people to notice me. I needed attention, money. I needed more! In an attempt to attract customers, I painted frenzied works of clashing colours, intending to shock with my blotches and streaks of electric pink and forest green. I painted fervently, hoping against hope that these works would catch the attention of people who strolled past my studio. I worked till my hands were raw, red and sore. Black eyebags hung from underneath my tired, bloodshot eyes. What I drew on canvas mirrored how I felt within my spirit; confused, disoriented, and yet wanting to excel in a world that didn’t appreciate me.

In the end, I couldn’t earn enough to support my studio. I was thrown out, like apples that were once rosy red, but had turned mouldy green.

However, I wouldn’t leave just like this! I would go out with a big exit, a big bang! A big, shocking, blood red bang!

I spent all my energy on one last painting that would be exhibited at my teacher’s next exhibition. It was a painting of a man who stood enrobed with dark, black shadows, in a room without light. He stood within the bleak darkness of his room, looking plaintively out of the window. Outside his little black room, a verdant green garden awaited him, filled with lush bushes and joyful red flowers strewn across the grass. The orange sun illuminated the entire garden, but somehow, its rays missed the man.

The black depressed man yearned to go outside to enjoy the day, just like I did. All I wanted was to be a great artist, but for some reason, things just weren’t meant to be. I probably never was cut out to be an artist. Similarly, neither was the man ever destined to leave his room, because his room didn’t have a door.

I am an artist, and I always will be!

Am I?

An Eventful Day

2009-03-17T18:58:00.002+08:00

I got excused from lessons at 9AM yesterday, and left for drama till 1. I hitched a ride on Ms Chua's car (and talked about some silly stuff like how Nusrat reacts in the face of fear) and met the rest of the dear exco members, sans Cindy and Mardi, at Pizza Hut! I ate 5 slices of pizza (don't know why, I didn't want to see the food go to waste!), soup, garlic bread and dessert. Then we went to the funeral of one of our school advisor's father, and we could tell that his family appreciated our presence even though we stayed for only a while.

The most interesting thing that we've done yesterday was going hotel viewing at Orchard Road! Ms Chua was very nice to send us there. We walked in single file, making heads turn in the process, down the street to Orchard Parade Hotel and Grand Hyatt. I love the ballrooms that they presented to us; OP has a very cosy ballroom while Hyatt's ballroom is uber glam. I also enjoyed talking business with Mandy, the F&B IC of the Grand Hyatt. She's very approachable, and gives us a sense of security, that we're dealing with people who are concerned about more than how fat their wallets will grow. That's something that today's businesses lack, the part about actually caring about the customer. Thank God we found a hotel that cares!

Today, LiFeng, WeiTing and myself changed in school and went to a nearby hawker centre to eat before leaving for Orchard Road yet again, only to realise that none of the hotels could make it. Argh. D=

Backtracking till last weekend.. the G12 conference was great! I learnt a lot of things, and experienced God's Spirit fall afresh on me again. And I feel so excited to watch Him move in my life stronger than before, and break down walls that have been built inside. And on a side note, Delirious? was great! They add an interesting element of rock to Contemporary Christian Music. They are truly unafraid to express whatever is lying at the bottom of their artistic souls. I believe that being Christian is not a reason for all our emotions to remain squeezed within a steel box. If you so desire to express your emotions through rather depressive-sounding music, then go ahead with it!

Oh, come on. Your auditorium is so not worth the S$400. Even a top-rate hotel doesn't charge us that much.

Congrats, Fuhua Debate, for getting into quarters! =)

It's like getting to know You again.

2009-03-08T20:52:00.002+08:00

I overslept by 50 minutes this morning, but thank God I made it to church today!

Today's service was immensely powerful. Getting to fellowship with the Holy Spirit is so powerful and amazing. It's like playing the violin after a very long time; after a few weeks of devoting my time to common tests, I finally picked up my trusty violin, and I relished the feeling of feeling the notes resound under my chin. It's like drinking water after thirsting for days. Similarly, feeling the Holy Spirit stir within me today felt like my thirsting for something that this world will never satisfy has finally been satisfied by Him.

This is our extremely long table, formed as a result of common test seating arrangements. We're like a panel of judges adjudicating every single teacher as he comes in to teach. Haha. *evil*

Foodography. Oh, no.

2009-03-01T23:00:00.002+08:00

I was reading Mere Christianity last night when I came across an extremely hilarious chapter. I thought my dear readers could use a good laugh.

5. Sexual Morality

Chastity is the most unpopular of the Christian virtues. There is no
getting away from it: the old Christian rule is, "Either marriage, with
complete faithfulness to your partner, or else total abstinence." Now this
is so difficult and so contrary to our instincts, that obviously either
Christianity is wrong or our sexual instinct, as it now is, has gone wrong.
One or the other. Of course, being a Christian, I think it is the instinct
which has gone wrong.
But I have other reasons for thinking so. The biological purpose of sex
is children, just as the biological purpose of eating is to repair the body.
Now if we eat whenever we feel inclined and just as much as we want, it is
quite true that most of us will eat too much: but not terrifically too much.
One man may eat enough for two, but he does not eat enough for ten. The
appetite goes a little beyond its biological purpose, but not enormously.
But if a healthy young man indulged his sexual appetite whenever he felt
inclined, and if each act produced a baby, then in ten years he might easily
populate a small village. This appetite is in ludicrous and preposterous
excess of its function.
Or take it another way. You can get a large audience together for a
strip-tease act-that is, to watch a girl undress on the stage. Now suppose
you came to a country where you could fill a theatre by simply bringing a
covered plate on to the stage and then slowly lifting the cover so as to let
every one see, just before the lights went out, that it contained a mutton
chop or a bit of bacon, would you not think that in that country something
had gone wrong with the appetite for food? And would not anyone who had
grown up in a different world think there was something equally queer about
the state of the sex instinct among us?
One critic said that if he found a country in which such striptease
acts with food were popular, he would conclude that the people of that
country were starving. He meant, of course, to imply that such things as the
strip-tease act resulted not from sexual corruption but from sexual
starvation. I agree with him that if, in some strange land, we found that
similar acts with mutton chops were popular, one of the possible
explanations which would occur to me would be famine. But the next step
would be to test our hypothesis by finding out whether, in fact, much or
little food was being consumed in that country. If the evidence showed that
a good deal was being eaten, then of course we should have to abandon the
hypothesis of starvation and try to think of another one. In the same way,
before accepting sexual starvation as the cause of the strip-tease, we
should have to look for evidence that there is in fact more sexual
abstinence in our age than in those ages when things like the strip-tease
were unknown. But surely there is no such evidence. Contraceptives have made
sexual indulgence far less costly within marriage and far safer outside it
than ever before, and public opinion is less hostile to illicit unions and
even to perversion than it has been since Pagan times. Nor is the hypothesis
of "starvation" the only one we can imagine. Everyone knows that the sexual
appetite, like our other appetites, grows by indulgence. Starving men may
think much about food, but so do gluttons; the gorged, as well as the
famished, like titillations.

I actually laughed out loud for about a minute after reading this. I was still laughing at it during lunch with Benjamin Low, Joel and Bran, and I continued laughing even at Brendan's house. I think the food porn part actually might apply to me. Oh, the terror.

Mere Christianity

2009-02-27T01:02:00.002+08:00

After studying for Monday's Biology common test, I tried to go to sleep at 11pm. But, after tossing around for one hour, I was still wide awake. In an attempt to try to tire myself out, I came online to download and read CS Lewis' Mere Christianity.

"Mere Christianity" is something like a hall out of which doors open into several
rooms. If I can bring anyone into that hall I shall have done what I
attempted. But it is in the rooms, not in the hall, that there are fires and
chairs and meals. The hall is a place to wait in, a place from which to try
the various doors, not a place to live in. For that purpose the worst of the
rooms (whichever that may be) is, I think, preferable.
It is true that some people may find they have to wait in the hall for
a considerable time, while others feel certain almost at once which door
they must knock at. I do not know why there is this difference, but I am
sure God keeps no one waiting unless He sees that it is good for him to
wait. When you do get into your room you will find that the long wait has
done you some kind of good which you would not have had otherwise. But you
must regard it as waiting, not as camping. You must keep on praying for
light: and, of course, even in the hall, you must begin trying to obey the
rules which are common to the whole house. And above all you must be asking
which door is the true one; not which pleases you best by its paint and
paneling.
When you have reached your own room, be kind to those Who have chosen
different doors and to those who are still in the hall. If they are wrong
they need your prayers all the more; and if they are your enemies, then you
are under orders to pray for them. That is one of the rules common to the
whole house.

I've been worrying about the next step of my life for quite a while now. I feel like I'm just drifting around, waiting for something to change the course of my life and push me ahead into my next destination. I feel like I'm just waiting, waiting.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
From "Oh, The Places You'll Go!" by Dr Seuss

Reading Mere Christianity has comforted me. I now know that God does not keep me waiting unless there's something worth waiting for. I hear Him telling me not to grow jaded, and remember that this is just a momentary phase. Then, of course I'll feel nude, since this is not where I'm destined for. And I, I was made to live! I am meant to live my life the way I want to, not in the Waiting Place.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

My feet already drowned

2009-02-23T17:01:00.002+08:00

OMG Mdm Oen needs to work of her English. On World Scouts Day, what was supposed to be "we're moulding the future generation" ended up as "we're mourning the future generation". I had a good laugh to start the day with.

Interesting things happened yesterday. Kevin Chan texted me in the morning, asking me whether or not I wanted to go to "sam" with him after service. He meant to ask me to go to Singapore Arts Museum with him, but due to his lack of big caps, I mistook his invitation to be one to samuel's house. We almost ended up actually going to Sam's house in the end.. I think. I still can't separate the jokes from the truths.

Anyway, yesterday was our dear Wei Qiang's Birthday! Although he has a mouth that can kill, he has been a great companion, confidante and competitor throughout the eight years of our friendship. I think I'm really blessed to have a friend who understands me so well. Despite all the differences, we're all pretty much the same. I won't be who I am today without him, who taught me to speak up and be loud.

My First Attempt at Designing A Collage
Wei Qiang's birthday present.

All rights reserved. No redistribution unless with the express permission of it's creator or current owner.(=

Mr Yeo left me sitting at my desk dumbfounded today. I think they got what they deserved, Mr Yeo should've lashed out at them a long time ago. Go, Mr Yeo. Fight for your rights to have basic respect in the classroom while you attempt to educate us. [:

^

2009-02-19T16:59:00.000+08:00

I flipped the page

2009-02-08T21:32:00.003+08:00

I loved today's sermon. I do indeed have the ability to take control of my circumstances. God has given me the promise to be a co-heir with Christ, so firm in His promise I'll stand! I will be a conqueror in His name! Take the stage; it's about time I had it.

I left the Dudes at twelve plus to meet Brendan, Felicia and HuiEn at the McDonald's near Fuhua. It was the first time in so many weeks that I didn't have lunch with the Dudes, yep. Eating with the three of them was, as expected, an exciting time with gossiping (from the two girls, while the guys wondered why girls just had to gossip) and Felicia's unstoppable laughter. After lunch at Coffee United, we retreated back to my house so that Brendan and HuiEn could finish up their nightwalk proposal while Felicia and I watched. Brendan tried to make me play Hotel 626, and I kinda made things a lot scarier for myself by drawing all the curtains and trying to act brave.

I wrote my weekend essay while Brendan and HuiEn were sitting on the floor drawing out complicated maps for their nightwalk proposal (and Felicia watched).

5. Uncertainty.

I sat in a couch in my living room, flipping through a large and bulky photo album. I was seventy-nine, and my doctor had diagnosed me with lung cancer. I had only a few months left to live, and I experienced a sudden urge to review the previous decades of my life.

As I looked through the various photographs in my album, a faded photograph of my family caught my eye. I examined the yellowing picture of my sons and I, who were so close to me during their early years but slowly drifted away when they became older. When I felt the bond between us breaking, I began to ask myself questions; am I a good father? Why are my sons not saying “Daddy, I love you” as often as they used to? I felt heartbroken over the weakening relationship between my sons and me. However, when my health began to deteriorate, my sons slowly came back to me, buying me meals and visiting me at my home with their families. I felt glad that my sons were beginning to appreciate me again, but a nagging voice in my head told me that there was more to their behaviour than mere cheery goodwill. At night, when I relive the scenes of happiness I had with my sons while lying on my bed, the same voice echoed in my head. “Are your sons beginning to love you for who you are, or for your money?” I don’t know which option to choose. I don’t want to choose.

I flipped the page, and saw a picture of myself standing proudly in front of the construction company that I had founded. I was the first in my entire family to have reached such a high level of achievement. As I think of my past achievements, huge pay cheques and the many awards that the company had achieved as a result of my effort, I began to wonder what all these things meant to me now. Now that my life was coming to an end, what use would these material possessions have for me? Also, what would happen to the wealth that I will leave behind? Will my family begin to fight over it like vultures clawing at each other so as to get the lion’s share of the dead animal? I felt the faith I had in my loved ones ebb away.

The next picture that caught my attention was a picture of me at my baptism. Uncertainty crept into my heart when my eyes locked upon the scene frozen into the film, of me hugging my pastor. My mind began to wander back to how I began to lose faith in my God when my business began to take a toll for the worse. When my business was suffering, I was uncertain about the reality of my God. If He were real, why would he let me suffer like this? I felt that I could survive without the help of this God who was never there for me. As I watched myself walk away from church, Holy Communion and the Bible, the uncertainty that was refreshed in my mind was replaced with a very real fear; where am I going after this? Am I destined to spend my afterlife in heaven, like my pastor told me a few days ago, or condemned to burn in hell? After walking away from God, would He still want me now when I’m desperately crawling back to Him?

I couldn’t bear looking through the album any further. I slammed the cover of the album and placed it onto my coffee table, which was covered with a layer of dust from many days of negligence. My mind was flooded with a myriad of emotions as I felt my grip on reality loosen. I clasped my weakening hands together and whispered a prayer to God, to save me from my uncertain circumstances.

Hope, He’s coming for me.

Is He coming for me?

I wrote this essay with previous uncertainties in my life being its primary driving force. However, none of these thoughts stand against me anymore. In Jesus, I am certain!