Paradoxico; [EVERLASTING]

{Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it}

Hmm, turns out that the first day of Superteen wasn't as terrible as I thought it would have been! I went into the room thinking that I'd be wasting the next thirteen hours of my day, but my time was definitely not wasted. I was taught a lot of new things, and waken up to realise some of the things about myself that I've long forgotten.

Firstly, you are as good as you think you want to be! I always believed that two types of people existed; the first kind who are the stars that shine very brightly, and the other kind that just stand in the background. Statistics show that these stars amount to only 5% percent of the world's population. When I reflect upon this simple sentence, I wonder just where I stand in my life. I want to achieve more than everyone else, but I don't think I'm cut out for the big life. I don't want to stand in the wings of the stage, and just silently peek outwards, hoping to stand in the spotlight but not willing to walk out. I just hover between being bright and being completely switched off, glimmering slightly in the sky.

Secondly, what you do can make or break a person! Simple words and gestures can cause a person to do exceptionally well or fail miserably, just like how Cat Bro demonstrated today. Everything I do has a profound impact on the people around me and how they think. So, just how are you treating the people around you right now? Are the things that you say silently cutting them within without anyone realizing?

Most importantly, what is your dream?

After thinking for a really long time, I felt that my dream is to be a music teacher!

All along, I felt that the music scene in Singapore sucked big-time. Society pays no attention to good music at all, preferring instead to drown their ears in mass-manufactured pop pieces designed to generate hits. As such, the people of our country no longer believe in the richness and beauty of music, and those gifted with musical talents lose their faith in themselves and their ability to shine in this
dark place.

Watching Yan, Fuhua's drama instructor, lead the way into claiming back Singapore's arts scene for those who truly care is simply admirable. The future of Singapore is in my hands!

I strongly believe that I play a part in nurturing the next generation of violinists. When I first picked up the violin, it was my teacher who gave me a strong foundation in the basics, and raised me up to become the passionate violinist that I am today. As a musician, I believe that it is my responsibility to nurture the next generation of young musicians, just like how my teacher nurtured and groomed me. I believe that the future of the violin is in the hands of those who play it today. I cannot allow something so beautiful to become extinct. It is my job to teach others about the beauty of the violin, and to nurture the next generation of violinists. I will not let my teacher’s effort go to waste! I do not want to see the mystique of violin playing die out in the next generation- I want to see it flourish and grow beyond what it is today!

I think my twice-quoted essay just about sums it up well.

I will become a Super Teen!

Benson blogged at 1/28/2009 10:08:00 PM.
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{Drunk on steamboat}

I ate beyond my expectations these few days. Friday was tribe steamboat day, and my table was the one that ate the most. Somehow, we still had space for ice cream and bubble tea after all the crazy eating at Chong Qing Steamboat. On Saturday, I went back to Bugis with my family, ate a lot before going shopping for CNY clothes. On Sunday, Uncle WM, Dennis, Bran and I somehow managed to eat an entire container of Walls cookies-and-cream ice cream! Had reunion dinner with my extended family afterwards on Sunday night, and then steamboated with my immediate family just two hours prior to this blog post.

Since Dyan's tagged me, I shall write down a list of ten songs that I want to hear on graduation day! (I honestly have but a fuzzy idea of what he actually wants me to do, but yeah, here I go.)

Shadowfeet- Brooke Fraser
This Is Me- Demi Lovato (Isn't Fuhua just the place that you want to be?)
True To Your Heart- 98 Degrees
The Love Bug- BoA (reliving old memories, hahaha!)
You Raise Me Up- Josh Groban (My teachers have raised me up, time to thank them when I graduate.)

Speaking of teaching, I just wrote a rather detailed essay about why I aspire to be a violin teacher when I grow up. I'm particularly proud of the second-last paragraph, I think I have broken out of my usual argumentative and aggressive style of writing.

And since the Fuhua site has been officially rebooted, here are some of the pictures of Orientation '09!

That's my back!

HaiSong and me five minutes before our performance. This picture looks a lot better than the one pinned on the whiteboard at the bottom of the spiral staircase.

The photo of me at ACES Day 08 looks simply stupid, so I'm not putting it up here. =P

Benson blogged at 1/26/2009 09:54:00 PM.
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{I see the shadows of your face}

I enjoyed Social Studies today! It's partly because the class size is now drastically reduced, which makes the lesson a lot more intimate and mind-stimulating because I now sit at the front and am able to make comments more often. However, today's subject matter appealed to me, and deeply impacted me. I felt something retch within me when Ms Chan aired the September 11 attack video.

I felt something within my stomach twinge when the plane crashed into the tall buildings on the screen. I thought I could make it through the video unaffected by the terror of it all. However, when I saw the people leap off the skyscraper in their desperate attempts to escape a very painful death, something grabbed at my mind from within me.

A few days before SS, I heard a song by Lifehouse, titled From Where You Are. Back then, I felt that the song was at a level higher than other run-of-the-mill songs were, because of its deep meaning. However, after watching the 911 video, I can feel the lyrics of the song penetrate deeper into me than it ever had before.

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

For all those who had to go through the pain of losing their loved ones to 911, the pain will never truly go away. Even though they might feel better about it, the shadows of their loved ones will always continue to linger around their minds. Wherever they are, they'll always miss them.

As I sit in front of my lappy, I feel my heart being covered in lead and sinking downwards, wondering why the world out there is so cold, grey and completely different from my little patch of reality down here. Naive as my stray thoughts might be, I still wonder, can a tiny person like me shout loud enough, shout a cry of peace to the world, and be heard? Will society listen to the woes of a little boy?

God, is this You blessing me "with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war,
So that [I] may reach out [my] hand to comfort them and
To turn their pain into joy", and

"enough foolishness
To believe that [I] can make a difference in the world,
So that [I] can do what others claim cannot be done
To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor"?

I feel emo and hurt now. D=>

Benson blogged at 1/20/2009 09:43:00 PM.
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{We're fighting free}

I feel so much less stressed now, which is a good thing! I'm not on the Julia Gabriel team anymore, and have moved on to becoming something like a team advisor. I'm also stopping my violin lessons to make way for O Levels, and I'm planning to take some time off my schedule this year to pursue some aspects of music that I've never been able to due to being so caught up in the Trinity-Guildhall paper chase. Speaking of which, I scored 78/100 for my Grade 7 violin exam! I feel so much more relieved now!

School's still pretty much the same; Maths is as hard to understand as ever, but I enjoy physics a lot more since static electricity is so much easier than pressure. Chemistry practicals are really fun, with all the weird colours and smells. (However, for the same reason, the chem lab is the worst place to die, because if you accidentally burn yourself to death in the cooking rooms, you'll be able to get a whiff of cookies or similar before you kick the bucket, but in the chem lab, the chlorine gas will just rub more salt into your already aching wounds.) Bio is still the best though!

Brendan and Felicia came to the 6th floor garden to study today. The wind is super strong, which might not be an entirely good thing because it made Felicia do the super-provocative Marilyn Monroe maneuver from the Seven-Year Itch, which made Brendan and I laugh quite wildly.

Imagine Felicia doing this!

Since I was on the topic of paper chases, a gust of wind blew the top page of my Drama SYF script into the pond while Felicia ran madly after it. There goes my character analysis. D=

Here are some pictures of my scientific studies in Fuhua:

I can't believe Fuhua actually has this stored in the physics lab! We also have a static generator, which one person holds on to while the generator is being turned. This person will thus shock whoever he chooses to touch, which is pretty much what happened to WeiJun and I.

I drew these diagrams while WeiQiang and I were holed up in the staff workroom doing up our report for the Life Sciences Symposium. I feel so proud of myself now!

Actually, I'd feel a lot more prouder of myself if I had better control over the thoughts that fly across my mind every now and then. Who knew that what I gave up so long ago still comes back to haunt my every passing moment?

Benson blogged at 1/17/2009 10:25:00 PM.
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{What's Life Like? (2)}

Following on my previous post, I'm here with a second look on life- I enjoyed WeiQiang's interpretation of the matter, which is to look as life as you would a mirror.

A mirror is the perfect example of reaping what you sow; if you give the mirror a hearty smile, it repays you with the exact same smile. However, if you decide to frown in front of the mirror, it will return the same frown to you as well.

Similarly, if you decide to approach life with a positive attitude, you'll experience a fulfilling life that is an accurate representation of how you go about yours. However, if you decide to go about your daily life sulking and complaining, things won't go as sweetly as you want them to. You'll get out of life what you initially put in. So, why frown when you can smile?

Benson blogged at 1/16/2009 10:57:00 PM.
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{What's Life Like? (1)}

Ms Yau, my Higher CL teacher, gave my class an interesting assignment- write out your idea of what life is like, relating it to a simple analogy. As usual, she didn't allow us to list out the cliched stuff like "dreams" and "a show". Through this assignment, I got to hear a lot of refreshing insights on life from my fellow classmates, many of which made me think beyond what I used to.

This is what I related life to- being aboard a train.

On a train, scenery zooms past too quickly for anyone aboard it to snap a picture of it with a camera (this is very true for me!). Similarly, in life, beautiful things come and go too quickly for most people to properly savour them. Just when I'm finally getting to relish being a part of Fuhua (ELDDS, Prefects and 4E5!), I have no choice but to go off.

Also, to while away time, some people choose to take a nap while some people choose to work on the train. There's also a group of people who choose to listen to theirs MP3s and some who talk to the people sitting beside them. Similarly, some people walk through their lives with their eyes closed, without any achievements being made. Some people enclose themselves within their own worlds, only exposing themselves to what they enjoy and not venturing out of their safe spots. Some people will work really hard, while some people will choose to enjoy the simple things in life.

Lastly, when the train ride's over, everyone gets off and forgets about everything that occurred aboard the train. In life, after a certain part of your journey's over, will you still remember the people whom you encountered?

Benson blogged at 1/14/2009 07:09:00 PM.
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{I Feel Like A Hero}

I helped to colour the temple! (I know that thing beside the 春 looks nothing like a temple, but at least we tried. Lol.)

Something random happened today. HeangGee and myself were alone in the classroom doing the decorations when MinJia walked in and said, "需要我帮忙吗？ Erm. 我打扰了你们吗？" But HeangGee and me aren't even together! D=

I feel extremely distressed over my timetable this year. I have ELDDS trainings four times a week, not to forget church-related activities, Ms Joanna's eco-school competition, Prefect Exco duties and violin lessons. I actually hope that I won't make it into the debate school team, go figure. I hope I'll actually get to like our new debate coach soon.

After what happened today, I am very thankful for the people that God have put in my life. Uncle WM and Darren are such great encouragements!

(=.

Benson blogged at 1/10/2009 09:01:00 PM.
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{I won't try to philosophize}

It's just been four days at school and I already feel like I've been at it for months. Amazingly, I actually feel stressed for my Os already! It gets really frightening when your seniors all tell you that the real stress hasn't arrived yet. The only things that I actually look forward to in school now are Biology with our comedian/teacher Ms Joanna, ELDDS sessions, prefect meetings and open cell meetings. Curiously, I'm enjoying Higher Chinese lessons! That's something good that happened this year, at least.

I spent another 3+ hours on the phone with Amie yesterday. She pointed out a really funny mistake in the student handbook, that I shall share with everyone to brighten up our days till our O levels. Here it goes- on Page 142..

2. Spread out the changes in your life
Give yourself time to adjust from one change to another. For example, avoid getting married, buying a house and changing jobs all at the same time.

7. Share your problems
... Talk to your spouse, friend, supervisor or religious leader.

Amie tells me that this mistake's been around for two years already. I somehow missed it, even though I read through that section more than twice during Wednesday's uber boring assembly while Mdm Oen was speaking about 2009's strategic thrusts.

I shall now backtrack to Sunday, which is the first combined service of the year. While walking to the Lakeside MRT station, I actually ran into someone who was wearing the exact same "Love Your Neighbour" shirt as I was! What a coincidence. (The government must be really happy that a few thousand people voluntarily wear mobile advertisements that promote mutual harmony every Sunday.) I took the same train with Claudia and Cat Bro all the way to Expo and didn't realise it until I ran into them at the MAX Pavilion, which is so totally weird!

Even though I feel that combined worship is messy and mind-boggling, I enjoyed the sermon a lot. I always thought that "carrying the cross" was a self-restriction that I had to impose on myself, to conform to a standard that measured how good you were on the scale of morality. Looking back at myself, I wonder why I never thought of carrying the cross as a good thing. [=

The part that really shook me out of my sleepiness (I was fighting to keep awake, due to the Orientation Camp which had long-lasting aftereffects) was point one, LIBERTY; curses are released. "He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed." (1 Peter 2:24) In Jesus' name, every deception of the mind is broken, every curse released. Jesus has removed all the afflictions of your life!

While I was jotting down sermon notes for this point, the lyrics of our Orientation's mass dance song, Disturbia (you should be able to very obviously tell that this is one of my favourite songs by now!) floated into my head from my memories of Saturday's dance session.

No more gas in the rig
Nothing heard nothing said
On my life on my head
Feels like I'm going insane

It's a thief in the night to come and grab you
It can creep up inside you and consume you
A disease of the mind, it can control you
It's too close for comfort

Put on your break lights, you're in the city of wonder
Ain't gon' play nice, watch out you might just go under
Better think twice, your train of thought will be altered
So if you must falter be wise

Release me from this curse I'm in
Trying to remain tame but I'm struggling
If you can't go-o-o
I think I'm gonna ah, ah, ah, ah

With God, I need not worry about not having gas, because He will pour His over into my heart until I overflow. I will always hear His voice saying words of encouragement to me. I need not worry about all the things I've done in my life, because He's healed me through His wounds!

With God living in me, every mental affliction, every addiction, every craving is taken away because with Him as my shepherd, I shall not want because I have all that I need. I won't falter, much less go under, because God lights the way for my train of thoughts. And even though I try to maintain myself, I struggle along the way, but I'll never let go because God's always holding on to me.

With You in my life, there's no more disturbia.

I feel so much freer now.

Turns out I did philosophize in the end, as always.

Benson blogged at 1/08/2009 09:28:00 PM.
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{The dandelion made a promise to shine this year!}

I had a rather enjoyable return back to school! Curiously, I was having an emo attack on Thursday morning when I thought of returning back to school after a very long holiday break. Now I realise that it wasn't worth the worrying after all. I love Orientation '09!

On Thursday night, I spent more than two hours on the phone with HeangGee, criticising the absurdity of The Little Nyonya's battle tactics (it's completely ridiculous as to how Liu Yidao can win every fight as long as there're shards of glass or other blade-like items scattered around his feet!) and speculating the outcome of our orientation programme. We continued chatting happily until I was left with only 8% of my phone battery and had no choice but to hang up at 11PM, which is quite late for someone who's embarking on a journey of sec-one-sitting on the next day!

I took 1R3 together with ChyiYin, Bryan, AiJing, Nicole, Dionis and Aishah. At first, my spirits were rather dampened by the class' obliviousness to our attempts to get their mood up. However, after some friendly persuasion with the "Raccatenggae" dance (Ask me for the video if you're really so interested as to what this dance looks like!), we got the class rather high with our "Oy!"ing and other random run-of-the-mill cheers. We brought the newbies down to the hall to learn the school song after recess, and something happened there that made me roar. [I mean- what was that person thinking?!]

After lunch, I went to help out with a little ship-building, and then went back to 1R3 to teach them their performance item, a dance (which was actually a total ACES Day 2008 ripoff) choreographed to Samba by bond. It's a simple and fun dance that everyone enjoyed hopping and jumping to. I really have to give Zoe a big hand for staying back to help R3 in our rehearsals even though she really didn't have to! =3

I had dinner with the R3 students, along with the rest of the OLs. I think that during the entire day, I really got to appreciate the chance that I've been given, to be able to impact and touch young lives that have so much potential within them that's just waiting to be tapped into by those who can sense it. I went for my rehearsal with HaiSong after dinner, and had quite a highly-strung time practicing.

HaiSong said that I scared him a total of three times yesterday..

During our final rehearsal, something totally random occurred that made quite a lot of people really scared. At the beginning of the piece, the wind blew something into my eye, which made it really itchy and teary. However, as I wanted to maintain a professional appearance throughout the performance, I tahan-ed the eyelid-twitching itch that was wrecking my eyeball. As the tears began to accumulate in my irritated eye, there came a point (during the chorus, which made everything so much more distressing) where my tears began trickling down from my afflicted eye, which caused quite a number of people to get very concerned over me, including HaiSong. LOL..
Different people have different reactions to anxiety. For HaiSong, he felt a twang of nervousness within him about one hour before the performance, which slowly built up, giving him time to acclimatise himself. However, for me, I felt no stress at all until five minutes before we played, when a surge of sourness hit my stomach region, making me want the loo so badly. Hence, HaiSong was freaked out a second time. o.O
I almost slipped on a puddle of spilt Milo, which is by far the most conventional method of shocking HaiSong.

The concert could have been better, but the set was phenomenal. Every little detail was accounted for, which contributed to the fantastic overall feel. At first, I thought that constructing a pirate ship as a stage was next to impossible, but apparently everyone else proved me wrong, and I am happy to stand corrected.

Pictures will never capture the full power of our set-up. The glamour of the candlelights, the Chinese gongs and the highness of the Prefects is something that can never be captured on film!

I'm also really pleased with our violin-piano performance, because I wasn't nervous at all after I stepped out to face the audience. In fact, I actually felt the warmness of music-induced ecstasy pulsate within my mind as I played with a vibrant, constant vibrato and reasonable intonation. Of course, our performance would've been quite a flop if not for a pianist as talented as HaiSong, whose emotional and skillful playing never fails to motivate me to do better. We make a really good team, man. *does the knuckle thing with HS the piano dude*

This is Dyan, the Jack Sparrow imitation. I love his makeup, man! I admire Dyan's ability to act with so much passion and life.

The Crimlora, a wicked cool band. (=

The piano key, a rather antique-looking thingy.

The treasure chest stuffed with sweets! I was quite sad to see such good props being wasted and thrown away, so I took them and donated them to the drama club. =D

The midnight period of the concert night wasn't the best overnighter I could've had. Some of the sec one boys simply didn't want to sleep. Thus, I lost my patience with some of the more challenging classes and even went so far as to run into a classroom banging on their tables and screaming with the lights on. Thinking back, was being angry really necessary, or was I just being unreasonable? Was I being firm or tyrannical, and who's to judge that?

In the end, LiFeng got quite irritated with the boys' noise level and told me to bring a few boys to the sec one section to keep an eye on them. As such, she asked me, "Benson, who do you want to sleep with?", which sounds plain wrong!

I took this totally weird picture with Ms Amie Hu, who insisted that I censor her face due to the unglamness of the original shot.

What happened after the midnight table-banging session was the best time I've had with the Exco to date. We sat in a circle under a barely starlit sky at 3.30AM, somewhat enjoying the night winds and talking about our past experiences and emotions. I've never had such a close moment with the Exco before, and I think this experience has brought all of us a lot closer.

I was pigging out on this in the Prefect's Room afterwards, LOL. I slept a grand total of less-than-two hours, from 4.45AM to 6AM!

There's nothing much to talk about regarding the second day except the pitiful remains of our grand pirate ship..

Looks nothing like before demolition, does it?

I'm definitely looking forward to school now! I'm running into class, taking down the deck and bringin' in the treasure.

'Cause it's showtime, baby.

Benson blogged at 1/03/2009 03:25:00 PM.
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{Countdown-ed, and school in less than 24 hours.}

So many things are happening so soon. In less than 24 hours, I'll be stepping back into school after two months of holidays that just seemed to zoom by so quickly. In slightly more than 24 hours, I'll be performing 蒲公英的约定 with HaiSong for a 300-strong audience. In time to come, I'll be sitting for my Os, and undergoing a lot of predicted stress and anxiety attacks in between now and then. And, immediately after my Os, I'll be having a very very long break (FREEE!!), which all my seniors and spiritual family tell me will be super boring.

Even though I'm sure I won't be walking through these times alone (With God on my side, whom shall I fear?), human nature brings out the natural fear instinct in all of us when we walk into uncharted territory. Even though I have the assurance that I'll never be truly alone, still, I am only human, with all my human doubts and flaws. Sometimes, even though I know God made me who I am because He has a plan for me, plans to let me prosper and a hope, sometimes I ask, "God, why me?"

One thing is definite- I don't want to remain lukewarm this year. I want to step up from the middle, walk away from the doors and run back to the altar.

Yesterday's concert rehearsal went a lot better than I thought it would have. For one, I didn't lose my calm in the face of a rather large audience. Secondly, I actually had reasonable control over my tone colour, which is quite a big improvement from my previous performances. Wahaha! I went to Jurong Point for lunch with Benjamin, Felicia, HuiEn and Gabbie after that, and while we walked around Popular, I saw Shaun! To get his attention, I yelled at him across a number of aisles, "Hi Shaun, this is Gabbie!" I don't think Gabbie enjoyed that, LOL. =X

Yesterday, I attended the first countdown party in my life, and the thing that made it great was that it was with people that I really care for, not just friends, but brothers. (I understand that I have procrastinated my Beijing photos for quite some time now ["as usual, Benson procrastinates!" you think, aha!] but these photos mean more to me. =D)

By the way, these photos were taken at the octopus coffee shop opposite Touch Centre during our tze-char dinner. I admit that I was quite hyperactive yesterday. o.O

This is Jeremy, someone whom I just met at the end of this year, and someone whom I find talking to a pleasure. (=

This is Joel, the bro whom I've known for the longest period of time. He's a really great person to have known and someone whom I feel can really understand me. =D

This is (the back of) Shaun's head, a guy who's crazy smart and very concerned about how he looks like in photos. D=

This is Samuel, a shockingly caring guy who has his own sarcastic moments as well. =O

Bryan, the guy I attended Post-Enc with, and whose quiet personality stands in stark contrast to mine. =]

Say hello to Dennis, my save-the-world accomplice who is also a joy to talk to.

I shall go for a final rehearsal with HaiSong for Friday now, and complete my maths with HuiQi. LOL.

It's Smelly's birthday tomorrow!

Benson blogged at 1/01/2009 11:41:00 AM.
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In Your freedom I will live;
All I am is Yours!